Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

Janeane Garofalo: Beth

Photos 

Quotes 

• Beth : Listen, Henry...

  Henry : Please, call me Henry.

  Beth : Okay, Henry it is.

• Henry : So, do you work here?

  Beth : Yeah, I'm the Camp Director. You?

  Henry : Me, no, I don't work here.

  Beth : No, yeah, I'm the camp director... I would know if you worked here.

  Henry : Oh, right.

• Gail : I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!

  Beth : Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons!

• Beth : McKinley, there are some lower campers stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?

• Beth : The phone! The phone! Where's the *fucking* phone?

• Beth : Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

• Susie : [angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show]  Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...

  Ben : Hmph!

  Susie : ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my *balls*, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living *hell*!

  Susie : [after a long pause and a glare from Beth]  All right; I'll put him on last.

  Beth : Good.

  [Beth walks away] 

  Susie : [to Ben]  Oh, she always wins!

• Beth : Hey, you; penny for your thoughts.

  Henry : Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.

  Beth : Don't tell me, oh, don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!

  Henry : No... Yes, but that's not the point.

• Beth : [walks in as Andy knocks his dishes off the table]  Andy? You gonna clean that up?

  Andy : Oh yeah. I will. Uh, I just got... I don't have time right now.

  Beth : Clean it up, and come to my office for the meeting.

  Andy : I gotta...

  [gives an annoyed sigh and begins picking it up] 

• Beth : The following campers need to put their trunks out so the early bus to Boston can pick them up at 7:30 AM: Amanda Klein, Jessica Azaria, Ira... Stevenberg, Sol Zimmer... stein... uh, David... Ben Gurion...

• Gene : I wanna thank all of you for a terrific summer. Cooking for all you nice people has really helped me get over the fact that I fought in the Vietnam War. Have a great winter, I'm gonna go hump the fridge.

  Beth : What?

  Gene : [Gene pauses, then turns around confidently]  Yes folks, it's true. I said I'm gonna go hump the fridge. What you may not know is that I also own a bottle of dick cream, I fondle my sweaters, and I often like to smear mud on my ass. You're probably asking yourselves, "Isn't he a weirdo, outcast, loose cannon?" Maybe. I don't think so. I wanna introduce you guys to someone. This is my friend.

  [Gene holds out a can of vegetables] 

  Gene : I don't know who he is, but I do know this: At a time when I was trying to hide myself from myself, he was there to show me a new way. 'Cause I couldn't hide from him. And I can be proud of who I am. I put it to you, Camp Firewood, as we spend this last dinner together: Be proud of who you are! Look at me, Ma, I made it! I'm okay!

  [the campers and faculty erupt into cheers] 

  Gene : Now if you don't mind, I have some unfinished business to attend to.

  [Gary wheels out a refrigerator. Gene climbs on board and begins to gently hump it while the rest of the cafeteria applauds]