Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
Michael Showalter: Coop, Alan Shemper
Photos
Quotes
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Susie : You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.
Coop : Me too.
Ben : Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.
Susie : Yeah!
Ben : What time do you wanna meet?
J.J. : You mean ten years from now?
Coop : Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.
Susie : Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?
Coop : Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.
McKinley : Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.
Gary : Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?
Together : Agreed.
McKinley : Good, because I have something at 11:00.
Gary : You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?
McKinley : No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.
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Coop : When we first started hanging out together, this morning, we were just friends; but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man - a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her and, yes, have sex with her; but no, seriously, Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shul, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual - all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.
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[Coop is sobbing, Gene appears from nowhere]
Gene : Be proud of who you are.
Coop : Huh? Gene?
Gene : Shh... it isn't about the girl, Coop.
Coop : It isn't?
Gene : Well, it is. But see if you can follow me here... it
[long pause]
Gene : ... isn't.
Coop : Oh. So it is... and it isn't.
[pause, wind blows]
Gene : You are ready to be taught the new way.
Coop : Will you teach me about this - what is it? A new way?
[bird calls]
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Coop : I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?
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Alan Shemper : When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the bubonic plague!
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Alan Shemper : I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.
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Coop : As everybody knows, this week is the big culminating, climactic game against evil Camp Tigerclaw. We have put together an unlikely team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer. Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think would never be able to win a single game. We had a kooky training period where it seemed like... well, it seemed like NOTHING was gonna go right. But, guys, somehow we made it to the finals. So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from Camp Tigerclaw get here, we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute with some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game. What do you say, team?
