- Brother Charles: [playing poker] Brother Virgil, any chance of you making up your mind today? Are you gonna call, fold, or what?"
- The Abbot: I don't know, I'm praying for divine guidance.
- Brother Gino: From who? Jimmy the Greek?
- Brother Charles: Brother Peter, you never told us where you learned to do needlepoint.
- Brother Peter: From a cheerleader when I was a Dallas Cowboy.
- Brother Charles: [angry, to Brother Virgil] I say unto thee. Get thyself into thy miserable kitchen whence thou hast turned San Fernando Abbey into Heartburn Haven.
- Brother Virgil: [pouring Mr. Fosythe a glass of wine] I hope you enjoy our Bungle Burgundy.
- Edgar Forsythe: [drinks and grimaces] Excellent. I've never had Burbank wine before. I'll take a case.
- The Abbot: I took over the Abbey and made it a refuge for the needy. I said 'Please bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free.'
- Brother Virgil: It says that on the Statue of Liberty.
- The Abbot: [incredulous] It does?