- Mel McGregor: You know, I wouldn't be here if you could drive.
- Hubert Humphrey 'Mac' McGregor: If I could drive, I wouldn't need a sister, Mary-Ellen.
- Hubert Humphrey 'Mac' McGregor: What're you, some kind of pervert?
- Mel McGregor: Oh, look who's talking, Mister I've-Got-a-Dirty-Magazine-Under-My-Mattress.
- Hubert Humphrey 'Mac' McGregor: Not you, him.
- Mel McGregor: [turning around and seeing a man] He's naked.
- Hubert Humphrey 'Mac' McGregor: Yeah. No fooling you, is there?
- Mel McGregor: How much money have you got?
- Hubert Humphrey 'Mac' McGregor: Fifty-seven cents.
- Mel McGregor: That's ALL?
- Hubert Humphrey 'Mac' McGregor: My lottery check hasn't come in yet.
- Dalrymple: Have you ever wondered if you're in a vehicle going the speed of light what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- Mel McGregor: No.
- Dalrymple: Neither did I until this morning when my headlights wouldn't work.
- Gretchen Klein: Apparently the man you found has escaped your county's state-of-the-art incarceration facility.
- Mel McGregor: Can you watch the place?
- Dalrymple: I don't think so. It's pretty boring just watching it.