Shallow Hal (2001)
Jason Alexander: Mauricio
Photos
Quotes
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Hal : What are you talking about? All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.
Mauricio : Really?
Hal : Yeah. Then she got all huffy and told me to grow up.
Mauricio : Well, that's probably good advice. You are kind of immature.
Hal : You're not serious. You actually think you're more mature than me?
Mauricio : You're right. I'm probably more immature than you, but at least I have a bigger willie.
Hal : [about 8 seconds later] Yeah... bigger than a mouse's.
Mauricio : What the hell was that?
Hal : I said your willie's...
Mauricio : I heard what you said, but it took you, like, 8 seconds. You can't come back with a comeback after 8 seconds. You got 3 seconds... 5, tops. That's why they call it a "quip." Not a "slooowp."
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[after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]
Hal : Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio : [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal : Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio : It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal : See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio : You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?
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Mauricio : The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony Robbins : Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio : Bausch & Lomb.
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Tony Robbins : Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio : Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?
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Mauricio : Shallow Hal wants a gal.
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[Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women]
Mauricio : What in the name of all that is holy?
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Mauricio : Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go.
Hal : [laughing] What are you talking about?
Mauricio : We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.
Hal : What thing?
Mauricio : Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.
[Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor]
Hal : What are you doing?
Mauricio : I am rescuing you.
Hal : From what?
Mauricio : From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what!
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Mauricio : Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!
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Mauricio : She's got CANKLES!
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Mauricio : You Had Me At "Get Lost".
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Mauricio : Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.
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Mauricio : That's why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.
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Mauricio : [when Hal tries to point out Rosemary] Is she... behind the rhino?