An Audience with Kenneth Williams (1983 TV Special)

Kenneth Williams: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kenneth Williams : She had a long nose like the Malay Peninsula. With a large wart at Singapore. There was a hair on that wart, it used to crack like a whip each time she sneezed. One day she took an extra pinch of snuff and knitted herself a balaclava helmet!

• Kenneth Williams : Joe he was a young Cord-Wangler, Munging Greebles did he go. And he loved a Bogler's daughter by the name of Chiswick Flo. Vain she was and like her Grusset, Oh her Gander Parts were fine. But she sneered at his Cord-Wangle as it hung upon the line. So he stole a Wogler's Moulie for to make a Wedding Ring. But the Bow Street Runners caught him and the Judge said "You will Swing". Oh they tied him by the Postern, Nailed his Moulie to the Fence! For to warn all young Cord-Wanglers that it was a grave offence. There's a moral to this story; Though your Cord Wangle be poor keep your hands off other's Moulies, For it is against the Law.

• Kenneth Williams : So this cabbie says: "Know who I had in this cab last week? Bertrand Russell! Wisest man in the Western World. And I says to him 'Bertie, what's it all about?' And do you know, he couldn't tell me..."

• Kenneth Williams : My hair's like spun gold!

• Kenneth Williams : I'm ablaze with the acne!

• Kenneth Williams : And she was ensconced! It was a mourning brief as Clytemnestra's...

• Kenneth Williams : And then the waiter broke wind quite violently, and she said, "This place has gone off terribly!"

• Kenneth Williams : I did impressions. I did Mabel Constandeiros and Felix Aylmer. He said "Nobody's ever heard of them Kenneth!"

• Kenneth Williams : "I'm sprinkling woofle dust! I'm sprinkling woofle dust to frighten away the wild elephants!" And he was supposed to say "There are no wild elephants around here" and I would say "Well, this isn't real woofle dust."

• Kenneth Williams : [Moby Dick]  Arr, don' ee board her! 'Tis ship accursed!

• Kenneth Williams : [Felix Aylmer]  It was long ago remarked... by an ancient Divine... that all that you may know of a man is his Reputation... but as to his Character only God alone knows that!

• Kenneth Williams : I'd say "Oh these Lights! Will these Lights never change?" And Hugh Paddick would come on and say "And that was a reading from Forever Amber..."

• Kenneth Williams : [Condemned to Die]  And they shall lead me out, in the cold grey dawn, and I shall see the rope swaying backwards and forwards. And I shall think of my old grandmother, swaying backwards and forwards, in her rocking chair... on A Deck!

• Kenneth Williams : And then the chorus would come on and sing the song of the Volga Boatmen. Ah-ah-AH-ah... And he'd come back on and say "Mother! Mother, come away to the hills! We have Krishnov and Petrov and Malankov! They will save you! Come away to the hills before it is too late!" And she would say "My son, I cannot, I am too ill." At which point I would come on, wheel her off and say "I'm sorry, we're going to have to stop this sketch, this woman is clearly too ill!" I never found out who wrote that sketch, but I would've liked to have found out.

• Kenneth Williams : And that night the blackout didn't come, so I was left there going "Ah!" so I had to improvise. "No, Tea's English! It's grown on the Cotswold Hills! I've seen it growing there! My old grandmother, my old grandmother up there picking it... you remember?" And she said "Silly old thing!"

• Kenneth Williams : And the reticule was ablaze.

• Kenneth Williams : It's the prevailing winds, you see.

• Kenneth Williams : [Stanley Unwin]  "Catharine of Arabold!" You can almost see her, can't you?

• Kenneth Williams : [Moby Dick]  "The whiteness of Ivory, the whiteness of Brides. Oh, the whiteness of the Ermine Robes!" See, that was the idea that Melville was calling for racial harmony. And then she would come on and say "Oh, Captain put thy hand in mine so that all that is white shall become black and all that is black shall become white". And I was halfway through when Orson leant down and said "Get off!", so I had no escape, everyone could see, so I started sidling off, saying absolute rubbish: "Oh, well then. God bless you! May you sail the calm waters!" Rubbish! And then of course when you're offstage you go still, so no-one looks at you. And she said "What Happened?" And I

  [side of mouth] 

  Kenneth Williams : said "He told me to get off! Right off! Whole scene cut twenty minutes!" "Really? Who is it now?" I said "It's you!" And she went running on stage to do this speech and crashed into him, and he doubled over! And she started stammering "Oh-Captain-put-thy-hand-in-mine-so-all-that-is-black-shall-be-white" It sounded like this mad Advert for Omo!

• Kenneth Williams : With an ignominious death you give no Battle Honors.