Sealab 2021 (2000–2005)

Harry Goz: Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quotes 

• [Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew] 

  Sparks : So how's the lava bath treating you?

  Captain Murphy : Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.

  Sparks : Oh yeah.

  Captain Murphy : How about you?

  Sparks : Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.

  Captain Murphy : Ass full of red hot coals...

  Sparks : Oh yeah.

  Captain Murphy : Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?

  Sparks : Right to the rim, baby.

  Captain Murphy : You lucky bastard.

  Sparks : Yeah.

• Sparks : Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.

  Debbie DuPree : Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.

  Marco : No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!

  Captain Murphy : Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!

• Captain Murphy : Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?

• Derek 'Stormy' Waters : Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?

  Debbie DuPree : Humans! You have a human brain.

  Sparks : But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!

  Marco : We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.

  Captain Murphy : Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.

  Debbie DuPree : Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.

  Derek 'Stormy' Waters : They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?

  Marco : That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.

• Old Gus : The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years frozen in carbonite!

  Derek 'Stormy' Waters : A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!

  Captain Murphy : My nipples are hard just thinking about it.

• Marco : You know, you throw a pretty good punch, Captain.

  Captain Murphy : Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.

  Marco : Your dad got you boxing lessons?

  Captain Murphy : No, I just got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance I like to sucker punch people.

• [Suspecting that a "sick" child has the bubonic plague] 

  Captain Murphy : I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!

• Captain Murphy : Save it for Queen Doppelpoppolus!

• Captain Murphy : It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

• [Almost directly taken from Apocalypse Now] 

  Captain Murphy : Did they say why they want to terminate my command?

  Marco : They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.

  Captain Murphy : Are my methods unsound?

  Marco : I don't see any method at all, sir.

  Captain Murphy : Are you an assassin?

  Marco : I'm a soldier.

  Captain Murphy : You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. SO WET WILLIE FOR YOU!

• Captain Murphy : [helium voice]  Heelllooo... My name is Mr. Squeaky.

• Captain Murphy : Turns out they're... uh...

  Bizarro Crew : BIIIZZZAARROOOOOO!

  Captain Murphy : [quiet/resigned]  Man, I hate the Bizarros.

• Captain Murphy : Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!

  Sparks : Um, I think its martial law.

  Captain Murphy : Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?

  Sparks : Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...

  Captain Murphy : That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.

• Sparks : And there goes Pod Six.

  Debbie DuPree : God, it so depressing.

  Captain Murphy : What? Pod Six was jerks!

• [Murphy is finishing a joke] 

  Captain Murphy : ...and so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?"

  [Murphy laughs] 

  Master Loo : Yeah. Wow, sexist *and* racist. Two in one. You have a gift.

• [Quinn and Stormy are fighting a squid for Murphy's toy oven] 

  Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : It just wants the oven! If we give it the oven...

  Captain Murphy : No! Absolutely not! You are expendable. That oven is not!

• [while on the phone trying to buy golf balls] 

  Captain Murphy : Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls.

  Operator : Excuse me?

  Captain Murphy : Aww, clean your ears out, woman! I want some BALLS!

• Captain Murphy : Now, you people find that oven, or die trying. You hear that, Stormy? DIE.

• [Murphy wants to put his brain into a robot body] 

  Captain Murphy : I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.

• Captain Murphy : Marco! Hey, buddy, you wanna... I don't know, hang out or play a game?

  Marco : I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a trillion-dollar research station running smoothly.

  Captain Murphy : Ooh, fun. I'll be the mommy.

• Captain Murphy : This is Chopper Dave's made-for-TV movie: Blades of Vengeance. See, he's a helicopter pilot by day, but by night he fights crime... as a werewolf.

• [Murphy has sent the crew to salvage treasure from a wrecked ship] 

  Captain Murphy : No pirates, they're paranoid! They've probably got the gold hidden in their butts! Bust open a few skeletons.

  Marco : We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.

  [pause] 

  Captain Murphy : You're an ass.

• [Quinn and Bizarro Debbie are having sex] 

  Bizarro Quinn : [to Debbie]  You wanna make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge, okay? Mmmmm. Delicious.

  Debbie DuPree : Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!

  Bizarro Quinn : You likey, likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!

  Debbie DuPree : Oh, no, no, no, no!

  Bizarro Quinn : Bizarro! You can do it! You can do it in there! Just put it... put it in my pants!

  Debbie DuPree : Oh, no!

  Captain Murphy : That's it, resist his charms.

• [Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots] 

  Captain Murphy : Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?

  Sparks : Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.

  Captain Murphy : Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!

• Captain Murphy : Quiet, fignuts!

• [the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots] 

  Marco : I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?

  Sparks : Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.

  Captain Murphy : Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.

  Debbie DuPree : [laughs]  No we won't.

  Captain Murphy : Maybe YOU won't!

• Marco : Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!

  Captain Murphy : I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!

  Sparks : Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.

• Captain Murphy : It's time for the "I Hate Marco Show!"

  Radio Singers : I hate Marco, hate Marco, hate Marco, and his mailbox head!

  Captain Murphy : Go ahead caller, tell me why you hate Marco.

  Derek 'Stormy' Waters : Hi, Howlin' Mad: long time listener, first time caller. The reason I hate Marco is... he's a mailbox head?

  Captain Murphy : Oh yeah, real original. Sit on it, Potsie!

• Sparks : Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?

  Captain Murphy : Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"

• Captain Murphy : Consider yourself zinged!

• Captain Murphy : What you Scrooges need is some eggnog! Plenty'a liquor and nutmeg!

• Captain Murphy : Lady, unless you got a baby up your skirt, tell your story walkin'.

• Captain Murphy : There can be only NONE!

• Captain Murphy : Punch it, ho-bag!

• [seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat] 

  Captain Murphy : That boy's head is made of cheese!

  Sparks : Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.

  Captain Murphy : Well, still...

  Sparks : Still WHAT?

• [Murphy thinks Griff has the bubonic plague] 

  Griff : There's a bit of a chill in here, don't you think?

  Captain Murphy : That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.

• Marco : Stormy, get ahold of yourself! Now, use your pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.

  Captain Murphy : Oh, yeah, and tell him to cough.

  Marco : I said *tentacle*!

• [talking to a scorpion while trapped beneath a vending machine] 

  Captain Murphy : What's that? You laid your brood of eggs in my navel? That's wonderful! Ben, we're gonna be mommies!

• [speaking on a bullhorn while riding in the "Murph-mobile"] 

  Captain Murphy : Attention all personnel: the black death is here. The great pestilence is finally upon us. Repent! Repent!

• [Murphy has just prevented Quinn from taking a vacation] 

  Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : No way! You ain't doing this!

  Captain Murphy : I need you here in case Holo Gram gets sucked back into the spirit world.

  Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : I have plane tickets! A hotel!

  Captain Murphy : Look, what's done is done. There's no reasoning with me.

• Captain Murphy : Screw it! We've got bigger problems than a butter shortage.

• Captain Murphy : [about to have sex]  Do you want the moustache on or off?

  Debbie DuPree : Off.

  Captain Murphy : Too bad.

• Marco : Calm down, I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy.

  Captain Murphy : It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes, with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love. Damn it.

  Marco : Just try to calm down, go have some pudding.

  Captain Murphy : Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.

• Captain Murphy : There goes my nipples again!

• Captain Murphy : Under Martian law doctors and other wizards are forbidden!

• Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : Looks like we're all missing something.

  Captain Murphy : That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?

  Sparks : What?

  Captain Murphy : What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!

• Captain Murphy : I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass. Be a hitter, babe.