Sealab 2021 (2000–2005)

Bill Lobley: Jodene Sparks, Various, President

Quotes 

• [Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew] 

  Sparks : So how's the lava bath treating you?

  Captain Murphy : Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.

  Sparks : Oh yeah.

  Captain Murphy : How about you?

  Sparks : Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.

  Captain Murphy : Ass full of red hot coals...

  Sparks : Oh yeah.

  Captain Murphy : Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?

  Sparks : Right to the rim, baby.

  Captain Murphy : You lucky bastard.

  Sparks : Yeah.

• Sparks : Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.

  Debbie DuPree : Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.

  Marco : No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!

  Captain Murphy : Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!

• Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?

  Sparks : Selling pot.

  [pause] 

  Sparks : ...Holders.

  [pause] 

  Sparks : ...Made of hemp.

• Derek 'Stormy' Waters : Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?

  Debbie DuPree : Humans! You have a human brain.

  Sparks : But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!

  Marco : We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.

  Captain Murphy : Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.

  Debbie DuPree : Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.

  Derek 'Stormy' Waters : They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?

  Marco : That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.

• Marco : What kind of benefits are we talking about here? Hypothetically.

  Sparks : Uhh, you gotta check with henchman resources on that, it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth.

  [Marco imagines himself with helmet jumpsuit and metal teeth] 

  Marco : That helmet makes me look like Ralph, you know, the motorcycle mouse.

  Sparks : How about a beret?

  Marco : Yeah, I can do a beret.

  Sparks : You're lucky. A lot of guys can't.

• Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : How can you afford it?

  Sparks : Selling pot.

  [pause] 

  Sparks : That's it. Just pot.

• Captain Murphy : Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!

  Sparks : Um, I think its martial law.

  Captain Murphy : Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?

  Sparks : Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...

  Captain Murphy : That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.

• Sparks : And there goes Pod Six.

  Debbie DuPree : God, it so depressing.

  Captain Murphy : What? Pod Six was jerks!

• Sparks : How many times do I have to hear the word "womb" today?

• [Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots] 

  Captain Murphy : Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?

  Sparks : Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.

  Captain Murphy : Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!

• [the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots] 

  Marco : I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?

  Sparks : Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.

  Captain Murphy : Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.

  Debbie DuPree : [laughs]  No we won't.

  Captain Murphy : Maybe YOU won't!

• Marco : Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!

  Captain Murphy : I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!

  Sparks : Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.

• Sparks : Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?

  Captain Murphy : Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"

• Sparks : All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.

• Sparks : Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!

• [seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat] 

  Captain Murphy : That boy's head is made of cheese!

  Sparks : Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.

  Captain Murphy : Well, still...

  Sparks : Still WHAT?

• Sparks : Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.

• Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn : Looks like we're all missing something.

  Captain Murphy : That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?

  Sparks : What?

  Captain Murphy : What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!