Shrek 2 (2004)
Eddie Murphy: Donkey
Photos
Quotes
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Shrek : Quick, tell a lie!
Pinocchio : What should I say?
Donkey : Say something crazy, like, "I'm wearing ladies underwear!"
Pinocchio : I'm wearing ladies underwear.
Pinocchio : [silence]
Shrek : Are you?
Pinocchio : I most certainly am not!
Pinocchio : [nose extends]
Donkey : It looks like you most certainly am are!
Pinocchio : I am not!
Pinocchio : [nose extends]
Puss-in-Boots : What kind?
Gingerbread Man : IT'S A THONG!
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[after drinking a beauty potion]
Donkey : I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?
Puss-in-Boots : You still look like an ass to me.
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Donkey : Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
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Donkey : What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek : Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Puss-in-Boots : [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Gingerbread Man : Shrek? Donkey?
Puss-in-Boots : [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.
Shrek : Gingy! Pinocchio! Get us out of here!
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[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]
Queen : Harold!
Princess Fiona : Shrek!
Shrek : Fiona...
King : Fiona!
Princess Fiona : Mom!
Queen : Harold!
Donkey : [happily] Donkey!
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Receptionist : Look, she's not seeing any clients today. Okay?
Shrek : That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
Receptionist : The union?
Shrek : We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Receptionist : Oh, of course.
Shrek : Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Receptionist : A little. We don't even have dental.
Shrek : They don't even have dental. Okay, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?
Donkey : Hmm?
Shrek : Hmm?
Donkey : Huh? Huh? Huh?
Shrek : Stop it.
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Shrek : Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
Donkey : Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?
Shrek : No, Donkey! I need you to cry.
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Donkey : You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
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Puss-in-Boots : I hate Mondays.
Donkey : [disgusted, to Shrek] I can't believe you're just gonna walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.
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Donkey : [to Puss-in-Boots] I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.
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Donkey : [singing] Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Rawhide! Line 'em up, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out, Pound dead, Make 'em tea, Buy 'em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk 'em hard, RAWHIDE! YEE-HAW!
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Donkey : [carriage runs over Donkey] Oh, God! help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever be able to play the violin again?
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Donkey : Shrek and I drank this potion and well, now... we're sexy!
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[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]
Princess Fiona : Oh, Dad...
Queen : Harold...
Pinocchio : Is he... oh...
[there's a "ribbit"]
Gingerbread Man : He croaked...
[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]
Queen : ...Harold?
Princess Fiona : ...Dad?
King : [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...
Donkey : [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!
Shrek : Donkey!
King : No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?
[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]
Queen : Harold...
King : I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...
Queen : [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...
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Donkey : [repeatedly] Are we there yet?
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Donkey : I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?
The Ugly Stepsister : Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss-in-Boots : Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.
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Donkey : [to Puss] If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.
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[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks]
Donkey : Oh, no! That's the old Keebler's place! Let's just walk away slowly.
Puss-in-Boots : That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.
Shrek : So why don't we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!
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Chef : Bon appétit!
Donkey : Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.
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King : [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
Princess Fiona : Dad, it's alright, it's alright. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.
Donkey : Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
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Queen : So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.
Princess Fiona : Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?
Shrek : Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...
Donkey : What?
[laughs]
Donkey : I know you ain't talking about the swamp.
Shrek : Donkey!
King : An ogre from a swamp. How original.
Queen : I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.
[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]
Shrek : It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
King : Indeed! I just started eating.
Queen : Harold!
Shrek : What's that supposed to mean?
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[Shrek is depressed because Fiona's father wants to kill him]
Donkey : Oh, don't feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.
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Donkey : Pray for mercy, from Puss!
Puss-in-Boots : And Donkey!
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Fairy Godmother : We have to go. I have to do Charming's hair. You know, he's all high in the front and he can't reach the back. He always needs someone to take care of the back.
Prince Charming : Oh, thank you, Mother.
Donkey : [outside window] Mother?
Shrek : Uh... Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother : The ogre!
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Shrek : Face it, Donkey. We're lost.
Donkey : We can't be lost. We followed the king's instructions to the letter. What did he say? Go to the deepest, darkest part of the forest.
Shrek : Aye.
Donkey : Go past the sinister-looking trees with the scary-looking branches.
Shrek : Uh-huh.
Donkey : And there's that bush that looks like Shirley Bassey.
Shrek : We passed that bush three times already!
Donkey : Well, I wasn't the one who refused to stop for directions.
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Puss-in-Boots : Ah-ha-ha!...
[cough - hack - cough]
Puss-in-Boots : He he... Hairball.
Donkey : Oh, that is nasty!
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Donkey : [from their hiding place] Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face!
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[Shrek has grabbed Puss-in-boots]
Donkey : I say we take the sword and neuter him right here! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
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Donkey : [running ahead of giant gingerbread man] Run, run, run as fast as you can!
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Princess Fiona : You're acting like a... a...
Shrek : Go on, say it.
Princess Fiona : Like an ogre!
Shrek : Well, guess what? Whether your parents like it or not, I *am* an ogre!
[roars at the dog to shut it up]
Shrek : And guess what, princess? That's not about to change.
Princess Fiona : I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.
[she leaves]
Donkey : That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre! Arrr!"
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Donkey : I'm a stallion, baby!
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Donkey : You know, in some cultures, donkeys are revered as the smartest of animals, especially us talking ones.
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Donkey : It's gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on.
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Queen : Harold!
Princess Fiona : Shrek!
Shrek : Fiona!
King : Fiona!
Princess Fiona : Mom!
Princess Fiona : Harold!
Donkey : Donkey!
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Donkey : [after just being snuck up on by Puss In Boots, who steps on his hoof] Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...
[tear lands onto card]
Fairy Godmother : ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] Is it on?, Is it on?
[clears throat]
Fairy Godmother : What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
[bubble pops]
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Donkey : [as he stands on an elevated stage with a mike] Puss and Donkey, y'all.
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Donkey : [Shrek farts after he drinks the love potion] Donkey: Ooh! I think you might've drunk the Farty Ever After potion!
