Shrek 2 (2004)

Jennifer Saunders: Fairy Godmother

Photos 

Quotes 

• Fairy Godmother : Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don't want to do.

  King : What... Where are we?

  Fast Food Clerk : Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?

  Fairy Godmother : My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy.

• Fairy Godmother : He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused WOLF telling him that HIS princess is already married!

  King : Well, it wasn't my fault - he didn't get there in time!

• Fairy Godmother : We have to go. I have to do Charming's hair. You know, he's all high in the front and he can't reach the back. He always needs someone to take care of the back.

  Prince Charming : Oh, thank you, Mother.

  Donkey : [outside window]  Mother?

  Shrek : Uh... Mary! A talking horse!

  Fairy Godmother : The ogre!

• Fairy Godmother : I don't care whose fault this was, just get this place cleaned up! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate!

• Shrek : Hi. I'm here to see...

  Receptionist : The Fairy Godmother? I'm sorry, she's not here right now.

  Fairy Godmother : [on intercom]  Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo! Now!

• Fairy Godmother : Your fallen tears have called to me / So here comes my sweet remedy / I know what every princess needs / For her to live life happily / With... just a wave of my magic wand / Your troubles will soon be gone / With a flick of the wrist in just a flash / You land a prince with a ton of cash / A high priced dress made by mice no less / Some crystal glass pumps and almost dressed / Worries will vanish your soul will cleanse / Confide in your very own furniture friends / We'll help you set a new fashion trend / I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great / The kind of gal a prince would date / They'll write your name on the bathroom wall...

  Bookcase : For happy ever after, give Fiona a call!

  Fairy Godmother : A sporty carriage to ride in style / A sexy man-boy chauffer Kyle / Vanish your blemishes, tooth decay / Celulite thighs will fade away / And oh, what the hey? / Have a Bichon Frise / Nip and tuck here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair / Lipstick liners, shadow blush / To get that prince with a sexy tush / Lucky day, hunk buffet / For the lipstick a roll in the hay / You can spoon on the moon / With the prince to this tune / Don't be drab, you'll be fab / Your prince will have rock-hard abs / Cheese souflee Valentine's Day? / Have some chicken fricassee...

• Fairy Godmother : Harold, you were supposed to give her the potion!

  King : Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.

• Fairy Godmother : What in Grimm's name are you doing here?

  Shrek : It seems that Fiona is not at all happy.

  Fairy Godmother : Oh, and is there any question as to why that is? Let's explore that, shall we?

  [looks over her bookshelf] 

  Fairy Godmother : Let's see... P-p-p-p-p, Princess. Cinderella... Handsome prince, lived happily ever after... oh, no ogres! Sleeping Beauty... handsome prince, no ogres. Thumbelina, no! Handsel and Gretel, no! The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... no, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after...

  Shrek : Alright! Look, lady...

  Fairy Godmother : DON'T YOU POINT THOSE DIRTY GREEN SAUSAGES AT ME!

• Fairy Godmother : Don't you point those dirty, green sausages at me!

• Prince Charming : [waving his sword]  Where is he Mum? I shall render his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! HE WILL RUE THE VERY DAY HE STOLE MY KINGDOM AWAY FROM ME!

  [a bird sheds its droppings on him] 

  Fairy Godmother : Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be King. We just need to work out something smarter, that's all.

• Donkey : [after just being snuck up on by Puss In Boots, who steps on his hoof]  Owww! You little hairy little licking sack of...

  [tear lands onto card] 

  Fairy Godmother : ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing]  Is it on?, Is it on?

  [clears throat] 

  Fairy Godmother : What? Is it on? Is it on? This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!

  [bubble pops] 

• Fairy Godmother : I told you ogres don't live happily ever after!

• Fairy Godmother : Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away...

• Fairy Godmother : [singing]  I need a hero!

• [singing softly] 

  Fairy Godmother : Your fallen tears have come to me, so here comes my sweet remedy, I know what every princess needs, for her to live happily...

• Fairy Godmother : You see we made a deal, Harold. And I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.

  King : [sighs]  Indeed not.

  Fairy Godmother : So Fiona and Charming *will* be together!

  King : Yes.

  Fairy Godmother : Oh, believe me Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...

  [takes a bite out of her wrap] 

  Fairy Godmother : But for your kingdom.

• Fairy Godmother : It's time to stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She's a princess, and you're an ogre. That's something no amount of potion is ever going to change.

  Shrek : But I love her.

  Fairy Godmother : If you really love her... you'll let her go.

• Prince Charming : I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful ogre?

  King : No, no, It's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?

  Prince Charming , Fairy Godmother : What?

  King : You can't force someone to fall in love!

  Fairy Godmother : I beg to differ. I do it all the time!

  [pulls out a love potion from her bag] 

  Fairy Godmother : Have Fiona drink this and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.

  King : Um, no.

  Fairy Godmother : What did you say?

  King : I can't. I won't do it.

  Fairy Godmother : Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after.

  [holds her wand close to Harold's face] 

  Fairy Godmother : And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it?

  King : No.

  Fairy Godmother : Good boy.

• Prince Charming : Mummy!

  [tosses the magic wand to his mother] 

  Princess Fiona : [confused]  Mummy?

  Fairy Godmother : [enraged, to Shrek]  I TOLD YOU OGRES DON'T LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

  [fires a blast from her wand in a selfish attempt to kill Shrek] 

  Princess Fiona : [worried]  SHREK!

  King : NOOOOOO!

  [the blast from the wand is deflected off of the King's armour and hits the Fairy Godmother. Shocked, she wonders what hit her, and she makes another attempt to kill Shrek, but before she can fire another blast from her wand, she explodes into bubbles, dying in the process]