Anything Else (2003)

Jason Biggs: Jerry Falk

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Quotes 

• Amanda : I've had a crush on you since we met. Couldn't you tell, the way I was ignoring you?

  Jerry Falk : Well, there was something compelling about your apathy.

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Falk : I was just saying how strange life is, how full of inexplicable mystery.

  Cab Driver : Well, you know, it's like anything else.

• Jerry Falk : She's so sexy. Look at her body language. All verbs!

• Jerry Falk : Do you love me?

  Amanda : What a question. Just because I pull away when you touch me?

• Jerry Falk : I feel like committing suicide, but I've got so many problems, that wouldn't solve them all.

• Amanda : Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller. But I didn't do it because I care about him.

  Jerry Falk : No? What then? To punish him?

  Amanda : No, I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with me. Because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love. I had to know if I was some kind of freak, or frigid. I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm.

  Jerry Falk : And can you?

  Amanda : Yeah. It's good news. I can.

• David Dobel : Why are you in analysis? You're afraid to sleep, what else?

  Jerry Falk : Fear of death.

  David Dobel : That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.

• Jerry Falk : And as he says, the issue is always fascism.

  [types on his computer] 

  Jerry Falk : Dobel says the crimes of the Nazis were so enormous that if the entire human race were to vanish as a penalty it could be argued that it would be justified.

• Amanda : Am I late?

  Jerry Falk : Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.

• Jerry Falk : Okay, alright, I want out of this relationship.

  Amanda : Jerry, Jerry don't say that. Don't say that, you know I need you.

  Jerry Falk : Need me? How can you need me when all of these positive feelings happen with everybody but me?

• David Dobel : ...and the next thing I knew they made some crack about my religion which I found in poor taste.

  Jerry Falk : Religion? You're an atheist!

  David Dobel : Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.

• Jerry Falk : The doctor had better sex examining her than I've had in six months! She has this wayward appeal. Men go instantly crazy for her. I - what'll I do? I - I'm trapped in a situation here. What'll I do? Say something!

  Psychiatrist : Our time is up. Suppose we continue at our next meeting.

• Dobel : I took the liberty a couple weeks ago of ordering you a little present.

  Jerry Falk : What?

  Dobel : Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian Army riffles.

  Jerry Falk : What?

  Dobel : Well suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating and some guys try to break in. You need protection.

  Jerry Falk : No! I just dial 9-1-1.

  Dobel : Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.

• Jerry Falk : [after learning his girlfriend cheated on him]  OK. Where's the rifle? I need the rifle. I'm going to blow my brains out!

  Amanda : Oh, don't be so middle class! I did it as much for you as for me.

• Amanda : You're the only one I've ever dated who've known exactly what to get me. That's because you have a special vision of me.

  [Jerry opens his present] 

  Jerry Falk : Ah, "No Exit" and "The Flies", Jean-Paul Sartre, that's amazing, thank you so much!

  Amanda : It was between that and O'Neill. I couldn't decided whose nihilistic pessimism would make you happier.

  Jerry Falk : You know I think it was Tennessee Williams who said that "the opposite of death is desire". And I desired you from the first moment we met.

• Jerry Falk : I'd love to hear you sing sometime.

  Amanda : Oh, I can't sing publicly. I'm too fat.

  Jerry Falk : Fat? Sorry, did you say fat?

  Amanda : But, I have these new diet pills. They take away your appetite; but, they increase your sexual drive.

• Jerry Falk : We made love that night. It was wonderful. If only certain moments in life could last. Just stay frozen, like some old vase.

• Psychiatrist : Tell me about your dream. The Cleveland Indians all got jobs at Toys R Us?

  Jerry Falk : Yeah. So what can it possibly mean? Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date with Amanda. I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like this. Amanda can handle it, but I need help. What do I do? I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to marry me.

  Psychiatrist : What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?

• Jerry Falk : What are you preparing for? The end of civilization?

• David Dobel : You have to learn to take it apart and put it together blindfolded, you know, cause you may have to do it some day in the dark.

  Jerry Falk : You expecting Nazis and a blackout?

• Amanda : Who do you need protection from?

  Jerry Falk : Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.

• Amanda : Jerry, don't be mad. Don't be mad. And don't be mad at Ron, he was just trying to help.

  Jerry Falk : Of course he was. Ron? How could I be upset at Ron? In fact, remind me please to put him on my Christmas list if I can figure out how to make a letterbomb.

• Jerry Falk : What do you mean you can't? It's not natural, Amanda. We never sleep with each other.

  Amanda : Well, I told you. I'm going through a rough patch.

  Jerry Falk : Yeah, I'll say. It's been six months!

  Amanda : I said you could sleep with other women.

  Jerry Falk : I - I don't love other women. I - I don't want to sleep with other women. I - I love you. What did I do - what did I do to turn you off? I don't - I don't get it.

  Amanda : Nothing! You did nothing. God, why is it always about you? You have such an ego!

  Jerry Falk : Ego?

  Amanda : Well, what do you want me to do? Just, you know, grit my teeth, close my eyes, hold myself stiff and let you do it to me?

  Jerry Falk : Well, you know, it's - it's getting to the point where I - I may settle for that.

  Amanda : I mean, sometimes I think it's because you remind me of my father.

  Jerry Falk : You know, you - you once told me that, eh, you thought your father was sexually attractive.

  Amanda : Well, that's not the part of him that you remind me of.

• Bob Stiles : In addition to acting, she's also a very good singer.

  Amanda : I try to sing. But, then I hear someone like Billie Holiday and - forget about it.

  Brooke : She's your favorite.

  Jerry Falk : Favorite!

  Amanda : But, you can't listen to the CDs right? They sterilize the sound.

  Jerry Falk : Didn't I say that? It's exact - I absolutely agree with you. It totally sterilizes it. That's so funny.

• Brooke : Amanda's pretty, isn't she?

  Jerry Falk : You know, she's okay, I suppose.

  Brooke : Ah, you're drunk! I was looking at her face under that candlelight and she has this off-beat, sexual quality.

  Jerry Falk : Yeah, I guess, if, if, you know, if you find that - that crippling sense of passionate heat behind those big eyes - sexy.

• Amanda : What are you thinking about?

  Jerry Falk : Everything. When we first met. When, when Brooke found out. Do you remember that? Remember when, eh, when we checked into that hotel as S. and Z. Fitzgerald. Or, how we, how we made love *everywhere*. God, everywhere. You know, when I think of all the - the risky places that lust overcame the two of us, it blows my mind.

  Amanda : You know Fireside Memorial Chapel is a McDonalds now?

• Amanda : I'm back. But if you don't want me, I understand.

  Jerry Falk : You're back?

  Amanda : I couldn't be without you. I tried but I just couldn't.

  Jerry Falk : You know, you didn't move in with your girlfriend April, like you said you did. I found out you went to Naples with Tony Hankin.

  Amanda : Well, you can understand. He wanted me to go with him to Naples and Rome. It sounded so romantic. Those are all places that I've dreamed of and I thought that's what I wanted. But - I missed you too much.

  Jerry Falk : But, of course, you made love with him.

  Amanda : Yes. But, I thought of you. You were really the person I was making love to in Naples and in Florence, in Venice, on the airplane 40,000 feet in the air...

  Jerry Falk : Okay, enough.

  Amanda : Oh, yeah, and at the Vatican, all I could think about, while we were doing it, was how much you would love that ceiling! So, I'm back. I'm home.

• Jerry Falk : You ate?

  Amanda : I couldn't help it. I was starving when I got back from the audition. So, I had a little sliver of that Sara Lee cream cheese cake and then I had another one and you know what I'm like when I get started. Before I knew it, I had finished the whole cake.

  Jerry Falk : You ate the whole Sara Lee cream cheese cake?

  Amanda : And then I figured, what the hell, so I finished off the cold spaghetti in the refrigerator and I ate that last lobster tail and then I heated up some chicken pot pie.

  Jerry Falk : Jesus, is there any furniture left in the house?

  Amanda : I'm so fat. It's disgusting.

  Jerry Falk : How could you eat right before dinner?

  Amanda : I'm sorry. I was, I'm so angry at myself for screwing up. I couldn't help it.

  Jerry Falk : You know, I reserved a corner booth.

  Amanda : It's okay. You can order and I'll just get a club soda. I'm dieting anyway.

• Jerry Falk : It's exactly as Dobel says, there is truly a paucity of veridical talent in the world.

  Amanda : When will I get to meet this polymath?

• Jerry Falk : Dobel, you're a madman.

  David Dobel : Yeah, that's what they said in Germany. You know there were actually groups in Germany called "Jews for Hitler"? They were deluded, they thought he'd be good for the country. They trusted a naked bus driver, never trust a naked bus driver.

• Jerry Falk : Just how crazy are you huh? Is there more? Do you hear voices on the radio or worship snakes?

  David Dobel : You are a member of one of the most persecuted minorities in history. The rifle's on me.

• Jerry Falk : [typing on his computer]  And he's still not convinced that the slaughter of six million Jews is enough to satisfy the anti-semetic impulses of the majority of the world.

• Jerry Falk : What's happening here, what's going on?

  David Dobel : [trying to pivot the piano]  I have it under control... Nothing that can't be done with the help of twelve stevedores and some oxen.

• Jerry Falk : Remind me, please, to put him on my Christmas list, if I could figure out how to make a letter bomb.

• Jerry Falk : It's not here, so where could it be? There's no such thing as a diaphragm repair shop.

• Jerry Falk : Oh, look at this record. Cole Porter. This is a fantastic - really pretty songs on here. Let me get you this as a little present. Can I do that? You know, I was actually listening to this last night and I thought of you.

  Amanda : You were listening to Cole Porter and you thought of me? You must really have a crush on me.

  Jerry Falk : I do.

  Amanda : I'd say it's fatal.

  [kiss] 

• Jerry Falk : You know, that road company James Dean was looking at you like you were a freshly baked cannoli.

• Jerry Falk : If life is meaningless, then why chose to live? Dobel says we don't chose, our blood chooses for us. What does it all add up to if I die? Freud says sex and work. Dobel says work gives the illusion of meaning and sex gives the illusion on continuity.

• Jerry Falk : The routine is fine, this guy's just in the wrong profession.

  Harvey Wexler : That's what I told him. I said, "Look, Danny, you've been around for such a long time. You think there's a reason you never really made it?"

  Jerry Falk : [to the camera]  No tact. None.

  Harvey Wexler : I said to him, I said, "A man buys a suit. He says he's happy with the suit. Then he goes around the corner, he sees another suit. Suddenly he doesn't want the suit he's got, he's not happy with it. He wants a new suit, he's not happy with the old one."

  Jerry Falk : ...Right. Yeah, hey listen, I'm actually a little busy right now. Can I give you a ring back please?

  Harvey Wexler : Look. I was up to NBC, there is nothing doin' up there. Not right now. Things being equal, they'll change. Right now, they're not equal. Look, I would like to have lunch with you this week. I need a business thing done. We have to talk. I got a little business thing I want to talk to you about.

  Jerry Falk : What kind of business? What do you mean "business"? What do you want to talk - -?

  Harvey Wexler : It's nothing to get anxious about. It's about the future. Goodbye!

  [Harvey abruptly hangs up the phone] 

• Jerry Falk : Hey, what did you do? I wanted to grab the check.

  David Dobel : No you didn't.

  Jerry Falk : [stammering]  What do you mean, no I didn't? Yes I did. I was grabbing the check, I wanted to take care of it.

  David Dobel : Never trust a guy who fumbled for a check. You know, he who wants to get the check gets it. As you go through life when you really want to get the check you will find a way to get it.

• Harvey Wexler : I ran into Dick Mallory. He's working with a comic who needs material. I naturally told him your price. I said, you know, I told him what you get. The kid works dirty. A lot of bathroom jokes. I said, 'Look. Jerry Falk is a professional! If what you need is bathroom jokes, he can do them.'

  Jerry Falk : Harvey?

  Harvey Wexler : What's the matter with your voice?

• Jerry Falk : She's very supportive of my goals.

  David Dobel : What goals? What are these goals?

  Jerry Falk : I want to write a novel, Dobel. A novel about man's fate in the empty universe. No god. No hope. Just human suffering and loneliness.

  David Dobel : Yeah, I would stick with the jokes, if I were you. That's where the money is.

• Amanda : What I love about Bogart is that he's so intensely urban. You know, the cigarette, the five o'clock shadow, always in some seedy nightclub.

  Jerry Falk : Didn't I say that exact same thing, about, Frank Sinatra, actually. Urban! I even used the term.

• Amanda : "My candle burns at both ends, It will not last the night."

  Jerry Falk : Millay! Edna Millay! She's my favorite poet.

• Brooke : Where were you? It's ten o'clock.

  Jerry Falk : Where? Well, eh, I - I - I had a meeting to go to.

  Brooke : You smell from alcohol!

  Jerry Falk : I do?

  Brooke : My God, your tongue is black!

  Jerry Falk : It's is? Well, eh, that's because I - I - I had some wine.

  Brooke : Wine? Why, it's not passover?

• Jerry Falk : She encourages me to sleep with other women.

  David Dobel : Well, do it! For God's sake, you know, there must be a million women out there that would find it exciting to get into bed with you. You know, maybe not a million; but, I'm sure you could find one if you got her drunk enough.

• David Dobel : Do you masturbate, Falk?

  Jerry Falk : What?

  David Dobel : l mean, given the circumstances of your sex life, l would think... this is not... stop squirming.

  Jerry Falk : l'm not. l don't know. Now and then? Now and then, l guess.

  David Dobel : When is now and then? On Easter and Purim?

  Jerry Falk : l don't really enjoy it.

  David Dobel : Are you doing it right? Does your hand fall asleep?

• Amanda : l am not living in the house with a loaded rifle.

  Jerry Falk : Do you not trust me to keep a firearm without hurting anyone? Am l an imbecile?

  Amanda : ls that a trick question?

• Dobel : You don't need a manager.

  Jerry Falk : I don't need a manager? Well, maybe not, but I don't need him to die.

• Amanda : I've met someone and I've developed very strong feelings for him.

  Jerry Falk : You met someone?

  Amanda : Yes.

  Jerry Falk : Have you been having an affair?

  Amanda : No. No, and I don't want to. I can't do all that lying and sneaking around.

  Jerry Falk : Where did you meet him?

  Amanda : In passing.

  Jerry Falk : Well you, you must have spent some time with him if have feelings for him.

  Amanda : We've had a few drinks, but nothing heavy. Just a few chats.

  Jerry Falk : So you have been seeing someone.

  Amanda : I've had a couple of casual conversations.

  Jerry Falk : Have you slept with him?

  Amanda : My god, Jerry! What do you think I am?

  Jerry Falk : Have you?

  Amanda : Once. And very quickly. I had to see if we were sexually compatible. I *refuse* to let myself have an affair.

• Amanda : You were listening to Cole Porter and you thought of me? You must really have a crush on me.

  Jerry Falk : I do?

  Amanda : I'd say it's fatal.

• Dobel : Do you masturbate, Falk?

  Jerry Falk : What?

  Dobel : I mean, given the circumstances of your sex life, I would think... you know. Hey, this is not a... you know, stop squirming.

  Jerry Falk : I'm not. I don't know. Now and then. Now and then, I guess.

  Dobel : What is now and then? On Easter and Purim?