Comedy Central Presents (TV Series)

Lewis Black: 3 (2002)

Lewis Black: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lewis Black : [opening lines]  You guy are WAY too excited. And that puts a lot of pressure on ME, and I don't respond well to PRESSURE!

• Lewis Black : The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting, because they ran three and a half, four hours of a salute to America, brought to you by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom. I pined to be enslaved!

• Lewis Black : [on the Super Bowl]  Some of the commercials are spectacular. They're extraordinary. They're like mystery stories. You don't even know what they're selling until the very end. Three rabbits are on a log, and one of them goes home and hangs himself. Buy a bike.

• Lewis Black : [on a Super Bowl commercial starring Britney Spears]  She came out, and she was singin' about Pepsi. But you don't know what she's singin', 'cause she can't SING!

  [audience cheers] 

  Lewis Black : So the message you got was: "Titty, titty, titty, ass, ass, ass! Titty, titty, ass, ass, MORE ass, titty, titty, titty, titty, ass, ass, ass, titty, titty, ass, ass!"

• Lewis Black : In case you don't realize it, MTV is to music as KFC is to CHICKEN!

• Lewis Black : [on the Super Bowl half time show]  So who does MTV get to play at half time? They get N'Sync. Sure, because when I think football, I think N'Sync.

  [audience applauds] 

  Lewis Black : And it was interesting, because I've never heard N'Sync play, because y'know, when they come on, I like to take a pencil and shove it in my ear. And that would've been enough for a half time show, but NO. Quite shortly thereafter, they're joined by Aerosmith. I have N'Sync and Aerosmith... and I am confused. N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that shouldn't be in the same STATE at the same time! So N'Sync and Aerosmith began to play, but what they played was not music. What you heard was the sound of CHAOS. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. Because I could hear the sound of pigs being slaughtered, and women were weeping, and men were gnashing their teeth. I heard sounds that were so horrible, if I were to repeat them to you, you would flee from this room in HORROR! Well I thought, this has gotta be over soon. I've been watching this half time show since I was eleven years old. But NO! The boys are joined by Britney Spears. I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears; I have a trifecta from Hell! But I was lucky, because I had a spoon in my hand, and I shoved it up my ass. You may be wondering why; to distract myself from the pain. Because, if I'm gonna hurt that much, I'm gonna do it to MYSELF. Oprah calls that "empowerment".

• Lewis Black : I will tell you that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that can't be fed. Every year, Christmas becomes longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourselves. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to SHOP? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ASS into it!

• Lewis Black : Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason: All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

• Lewis Black : Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out, and nobody woke you up and said, "Let's go shopping!" But Christmas has gotten out of control. But when I was a kid, I wanted to celebrate it, but I couldn't,

  [derisively] 

  Lewis Black : because I'm Jewish. But when you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great, Hanukkah SUCKS! How do we celebrate Hanukkah? We celebrate it with candles. Little, tiny, piss-ant candles. You Christians, on Christmas, Santa comes, and he brings a TON of stuff. It's unbelievable. Extraordinary. I go next door to my best Christians pals, I'll never forget it, and the whole house is filled with boxes. It's like a WAREHOUSE! And out back, there's six ponies. SIX! "We were gonna buy princess one, but we loved all of 'em. Ha ha! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

• Lewis Black : [on Houston, Texas]  Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and on one corner was a Starbucks. And across from the street from that Starbucks, in the very same BUILDING as that Starbucks, there was a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. There was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. And that, my friend, is the end of the universe.

• Lewis Black : What group of people would need the service of a Starbucks across from a Starbucks? I've thought about this long and hard, and there's only one group of people, and they're the only group of people that make this joke of mine work... and that's people with Alzheimer's.

• Lewis Black : [on Al Qaeda]  They believe that if they kill themselves, they will be met in Heaven by 70-some odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith, to think that that would happen, when I haven't met one on EARTH!