The Simpsons (TV Series)

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (1989)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Barney Gumble, Elf Moldy, Grampa Simpson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bart : Can we keep him, Dad? Please?

  Homer : But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's...

  [the dog licks his face] 

  Homer : A Simpson.

• [listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells"] 

  Marge : Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel?

  Bart : Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, and the Joker got away...

  [Skinner yanks him out of the choir] 

  Homer : D'oh!

• Bart : Hey, Santa, what's shaking, Man?

  Homer : [dressed as Santa]  Um, what's your name, little Bart... Ner? Uh, little partner?

  Bart : Hi. I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

  Homer : [gritting his teeth and growling]  I'm jolly old Saint Nick!

• Homer : [answering the phone]  Hello?

  Patty : Is Marge there?

  Homer : Who is this?

  Patty : Marge, please?

  Homer : This is her sister, isn't it?

  Patty : May I please speak to Marge?

  Homer : Whom shall I ask is calling?

  Patty : Marge, please.

• Manager : Do you like kids?

  Homer : What? You mean all the time? Even when they're nuts?

  [the interviewer gives him a suspicious look] 

  Homer : Uh, I sure do.

• Marge : This is the best gift of all, Homer.

  Homer : It is?

  Marge : Yes, something to share our love. And to frighten prowlers.

• Homer : What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?

  Clerk : 99 to 1.

  Homer : Wow! You hear that, Boy? 99 times 13 equals Merry Christmas!

• Homer : Look at this tree. Beauty, isn't it?

  Patty : Why is there a bird house in it?

  Homer : Er... That's an ornament.

  Selma : Do I smell gun powder?

• Homer : Now that just leaves little Maggie. Ah, a squeak toy. It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

• Homer : I don't wanna leave until our dog finishes.

  [they wait two seconds] 

  Homer : Ah forget it, let's go.

• Bart : Come on, Dad, if TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

  Homer : Okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

• Marge : You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

  Homer : Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it our of your own allowance.

  Bart : All right!

  Marge : Homer!

• Homer : Aah! Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!

  Cashier : That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

• Homer : Did you hear that, Boy? Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen.

  Bart : It's a coincidence, Dad.

• Boy : And then I want some Robotoids, and a Gook monster, and then I want a great, big...

  Homer : [dressed as Santa]  Ah, Son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important: A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I can't afford lunch so give me a bite of that donut.

• [Final lines] 

  All : [singing]  Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose / And if you ever saw it / You might even say it glows...

  Bart : Like a lightbulb!

  Homer : Bart!

  All : All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names...

  Lisa Simpson : Like Schnozzola!

  Homer : Lisa!

  All : They never let poor Rudolph / Play in any reindeer games...

  Bart : Like strip poker!

  Homer : I'm warning you two...

  Marge : Then one foggy Christmas eve / Santa came to call... Take it, Homey!

  Homer : Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here / I'll let you guide my sleigh today!

  All : How all the reindeer loved him / As they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / You'll go down in history!

  Bart : Like Attila the Hun...

  [choking noises] 

  Homer : Why you little!

• Homer : Um Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon?

  Teacher : Sit down, Simpson.

• [Bart and Lisa are writing their Christmas lists on the floor] 

  Marge Simpson : All right, children, let me have those letters, I'll mail them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, please. There's only fat guy that brings us presents, and his name ain't Santa.

  [Lisa hands her list to Marge] 

  Marge Simpson : Uh --- A pony?

  [Lisa's list has "a pony" written on it five times] 

  Marge Simpson : Oh, Lisa you've asked for that for the past three years, and I keep telling you Santa can't fit a pony on his sleigh. Can't you take a hint?

  Lisa Simpson : But I really want a pony, and I've been really really good this year.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, dear, maybe Bart can be a little more realistic.

  [Marge grabs Bart's letter] 

  Marge Simpson : A tattoo?

  Homer Simpson : A what?

  [Homer overheard] 

  Bart Simpson : Yeah! There cool, and they last the rest of your life.

  Marge Simpson : You will not be getting any tattoos for Christmas.

  [Homer walks over] 

  Homer Simpson : Yeah, if you want one you're going to have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

  Bart Simpson : All right!

  Marge Simpson : Homer!

  [Looks at Homer with distain]