Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn (2002–2004)

Jim Norton: Self

Quotes 

• Jim Norton : If you put someone in the electric chair and they say 'Where are we going?' that's too retarded.

• Greg Giraldo : The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

  Jim Norton : You masturbate with a Speak 'n Spell?

• Jim Norton : I think the Statue of Liberty could advertise douche products: "Just because your standing in water all day doesn't mean you have to smell like fish."

• Jim Norton : It's nobody's business what two grown men do in the privacy of their own rectory.

• [discussing the "What Would Jesus Drive?" commercials] 

  Jim Norton : Well, I don't know what type of car he'd drive, but I do know that he'd drive an automatic because I'd imagine it's really hard to change gears when you've got holes in your hands.

• [Ralphie May, who is very obese, hugs Jim] 

  Jim Norton : Man, I haven't liked you since you froze Han Solo.

• [Slogans for the war in Iraq to be printed on t-shirts] 

  Jim Norton : I think on the front of the t-shirt their should be a picture of two hot chicks performing oral sex on me. And on the back, two different chicks performing oral sex on me. This won't solve anything, but the photoshoot would make me forget the war.