Monsturd (2003 Video)

Rick Popko: Deputy Rick

Quotes 

• Deputy Rick : It's gonna be okay, just tell us what happened.

  Daughter : A giant number two killed my Daddy.

  Deputy Dan : 'Kay, so a number two... like a number two puppet? Like on the TVTubbies? With the little gay guy?

  Deputy Rick : Was it a big puppet? Was it a big number two puppet?

  Daughter : No! It was a doo-doo!

  Deputy Rick : A doo-doo?

  Daughter : Yes, it was a big doo-doo, it was the biggest doo-doo in the world!

  Deputy Dan : So the biggest doo-doo in the world came and took your Daddy away?

  Deputy Rick : How big was this doo-doo?

  Daughter : It was bigger than you!

• Deputy Rick : [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet]  Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?

  Sheriff Duncan : So who's this fella?

  Deputy Rick : This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.

  Deputy Dan : Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!

  Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie]  You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!

  Deputy Dan : Ha, little punk.

  Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie]  You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?

  [Talking through Donnie] 

  Deputy Rick : Yeah! I got rights, man!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!

  [Talking through Donnie] 

  Deputy Rick : I want a lawyer!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?

  [slams Donnie against the wall] 

  Deputy Rick : What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...

  [slams Donnie against the wall again] 

  Deputy Rick : Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?

  [slams Donnie on the desk] 

  Deputy Rick : Goddamn piece of shit! You...

  [starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly] 

• Female Marshal : Freeze, Schmidt!

  Deputy Rick : Hands in the air!

  Jack Schmidt : Eat shit, piggy!

  [marshal fires her pistol] 

  Jack Schmidt : You shot me, you bitch!

• Deputy Rick : Whoa whoa whoa, there's some shit down here.

  Female Marshal : We're in a sewer, brainiac.

  Deputy Rick : No no no, I'm not talking about shit-shit, I'm talking about green, steamy, slimey shit.

• Agent Hannigan : Did you question Mrs. Keller about her husband's whereabouts in the last 24 hours?

  Deputy Rick : Hell no! We just wanted to get the hell out of there.

  Deputy Dan : We just thought we should mention the Jack Schmidt thing as soon as possible.

  Deputy Rick : Dan got pictures of 'em!

  Deputy Dan : Can't wait to see the look on my wife's face when she develops THAT roll!

• Deputy Rick : How can a turd kill someone?

  Deputy Dan : I dunno, Rick. That's a pretty weird question.