Monsturd (2003 Video)

Dan West: Deputy Dan

Quotes 

• Deputy Rick : It's gonna be okay, just tell us what happened.

  Daughter : A giant number two killed my Daddy.

  Deputy Dan : 'Kay, so a number two... like a number two puppet? Like on the TVTubbies? With the little gay guy?

  Deputy Rick : Was it a big puppet? Was it a big number two puppet?

  Daughter : No! It was a doo-doo!

  Deputy Rick : A doo-doo?

  Daughter : Yes, it was a big doo-doo, it was the biggest doo-doo in the world!

  Deputy Dan : So the biggest doo-doo in the world came and took your Daddy away?

  Deputy Rick : How big was this doo-doo?

  Daughter : It was bigger than you!

• Deputy Dan : [talking through a megaphone while Deputy Rick drives through the town]  Citizens of Butte County: Due to the possible presence of a deadly parasite in the city sewer system, we ask that everyone refrain from using their toilets. The parasite enters the body through the rectum and can cause nausea, dizziness and possible death through prolonged exposure. We are currently taking steps to contain the parasite, and apologize for any inconvenience. If you must relieve yourself, please find an alternate source of disposal. Perhaps you could try crapping in a bucket and dumping it out the front window, like they did in the Middle Ages. Or the ever popular standard of shitting or just wetting your pants. The world's your oyster on this one, folks. You have to listen to everything I say, because I am a cop and I have a megaphone. Now listen carefully: the Martians are coming this way, in the event of a blast, cover yourself with wet newspaper until the blast has subsided. If you have a heart condition, or a young or impressionable child, we must insist that you refrain from seeing "Blood Feast". Is it me or is everybody in this town either ugly or retarded?

  [singing] 

  Deputy Dan : First you take a dump in your pants, then you do the "Shit Your Pants Dance" round and round and round you will prance, when you do the "Shit Your Pants Dance"... hello everybody!

• Deputy Dan : Has the Shit-Man stopped farting, Clarice?

• Deputy Rick : [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet]  Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?

  Sheriff Duncan : So who's this fella?

  Deputy Rick : This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.

  Deputy Dan : Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!

  Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie]  You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!

  Deputy Dan : Ha, little punk.

  Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie]  You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?

  [Talking through Donnie] 

  Deputy Rick : Yeah! I got rights, man!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!

  [Talking through Donnie] 

  Deputy Rick : I want a lawyer!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?

  [slams Donnie against the wall] 

  Deputy Rick : What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...

  [slams Donnie against the wall again] 

  Deputy Rick : Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?

  [slams Donnie on the desk] 

  Deputy Rick : Goddamn piece of shit! You...

  [starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly] 

• Deputy Dan : It looks like we have a 12-13 act in progress, over.

  Sheriff Duncan : A what? Over.

  Deputy Dan : It's a new code for chasing a man down into a sewer tunnel. Rick didn't think we had one, so he uh... made one up.

• Agent Hannigan : Did you question Mrs. Keller about her husband's whereabouts in the last 24 hours?

  Deputy Rick : Hell no! We just wanted to get the hell out of there.

  Deputy Dan : We just thought we should mention the Jack Schmidt thing as soon as possible.

  Deputy Rick : Dan got pictures of 'em!

  Deputy Dan : Can't wait to see the look on my wife's face when she develops THAT roll!

• Deputy Rick : How can a turd kill someone?

  Deputy Dan : I dunno, Rick. That's a pretty weird question.