- Tammy Pescatelli: Hi, my names Tammy Pescatelli. Yeah, that's a Sicilian name, not all of us are in the mob. Some of us are in the witness protection program. Some of us are dead. Some of us are retired. I called my dad, I said dad I shot a pilot. He said hey, not over the phone. No, pops, a T.V. pilot. I don't care what airline he was from, I'm not going down just 'cause you get sloppy, go call me from a pay phone.
- Bonnie McFarlane: I get called "sweetheart" a lot by guys. You know a lot of women take offense at that, but when you've been called "c*nt" enough times, it kind of takes the sting out of "sweetheart".
- [about Dat's journal]
- Dave Mordal: That's the kind of thing that if you found in a bus station, the FBI would have to be notified.
- Ralphie May: [about Sean Kent in the first elimination round] I'm still trying to decide if he's a punk-ass bitch, or a bitch-ass punk.
- Gary Gulman: Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
- Gary Gulman: Look down the aisle, sugar cookie. Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker
- Cory: I think the cowboy would be more comfortable if he had the construction worker and the Indian chief with him!
- Gary Gulman: [dressed as a mouse, trying to amuse little kids] Do you know my brother, Chuck E. Cheese?