If Dad Only Knew (2004)

Pete Jones: Bobby Riley

Quotes 

• Bobby Riley : [narrating]  That's Maggie. She's the youngest and only girl among four boys. When we were kids, Maggie and I went on expeditions in search of her lost penis. We never found it.

• Bobby Riley : [narrating]  That's my older brother Luke. Luke's that rare oddity in an Irish family. He can go out in the sun with something lower than SPF 45 and not burn. If gay marriage were legal in Chicago - about as likely as the Cubs winning the World Series - Luke would be my best man.

• Bobby Riley : [narrating]  That's my eldest brother, Father Jack. The nice thing about having a brother that's a priest is no matter how much of a jackass I am, I'm a lock to get into heaven.

• Bobby Riley : [narrating]  That's my second-oldest brother, Connor. If we were the Corleones, he'd be Fredo.

• Bobby Riley : [stopping nephews and nieces as they run throught the house]  Got a little joke for ya.

  Nephew : Your jokes always get us in trouble!

  Nephews & Nieces : [other kids agree]  Mm hm!

  Bobby Riley : This one is a clean one. What kind of bees make milk?

  Nephews & Nieces : I don't know.

  Bobby Riley : Boobies!

• Maggie Riley : [sitting down at cafe bar with Bobby and Andy]  So how are you two big gay fag homos doing?

  Bobby Riley : I think, uh, one gay slur should cover it.

  Andy : Uh, and we're still incognito.

  Maggie Riley : Oh, I don't know about you, Andy, but I think it's time.

  Bobby Riley : I think all parties have been heard from now.

  Maggie Riley : Bobby, I love you like the sister I never had, really, but if you do not come out to the boys up north this weekend, I'm going to come up there and out you myself. Out, damn spot, out!

  Bobby Riley : Yeah, if you can tell me how to do it naturally. We're going to be sitting there watching the Cubs game. Sosa hits one out of the park, and as we're cheering, I'm supposed to go, "oh, you guys - hold on a second, um, I love to suck cock."

  Andy : [Maggie laughs]  Actually, "love" is a little strong.

• Bobby Riley : Andy's therapist would tell me that my life isn't a movie, that everybody doesn't love me, I don't save the day, I don't get the guy and I most definitely don't ride off into the sunset... Andy's therapist? He can go fuck himself.