Idiocracy (2006)

Luke Wilson: Joe Bauers

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Rita : You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

  Rita : Now you know why he built that bomb.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : [addressing Congress]  ... And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!

• [cabinet has been debating putting water on the plants instead of Brawndo] 

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : What *are* these electrolytes? Do you even know?

  Secretary of State : They're... what they use to make Brawndo!

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : But *why* do they use them to make Brawndo?

  Secretary of Defense : [raises hand after a pause]  Because Brawndo's got electrolytes.

• Secretary of State : I'm Secretary of State, brought to you by Carl's Jr.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Why do you keep saying that?

  Secretary of State : Because they pay me everytime I do.

• IPPA Computer : Welcome to the Identity Processsing Program of Uhmerica! Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle!

  [Joe inserts his arm] 

  IPPA Computer : Thank you! Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card, document G24L8!

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : I'm not sure if...

  IPPA Computer : You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : No, it's not correct...

  IPPA Computer : Thank you! "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : No, it's not, my name is Joe...

  IPPA Computer : You have already confirmed your first name is "Not." Please confirm your last name, "Sure."

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : My last name is not "Sure!"

  IPPA Computer : Thank you, Not Sure!

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : No, what I mean is my name is Joe...

  IPPA Computer : Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm!

• Frito : [Acting as Joe's public defender]  It says here you robbed a hospital. Why'd you do that?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : I'm not guilty!

  Frito : That's not what the other lawyer said.

• Frito : Yah I know this place pretty good, I went to law school here.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : In Costco?

  Frito : Yah I couldn't believe it myself, luckily my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?

  Frito : I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.

  Frito : Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff... It's like- it's, like, by the museum... Sorta by... Actually, not really. More like on the street, you go, um... Wait, let me start over. Okay, you know where the time machine is?

• Narrator : Joe decided that in order to get out of jail, he would have to use his superior diplomacy skills.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : [talking to the prison guard]  Hey, uh... I'm actually supposed to be getting out of jail, not going back in...

  Prison Guard #2 : [hits Joe on the back of the head]  You're supposed to be in that line, dumbass!

  [he points to the door] 

  Prison Guard #2 : Hey, guys, let this dumbass out!

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Why me? Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

  Sgt. Keller : Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading - or at least following.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : That doesn't embarrass me.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : [addressing Congress]  There was a time when reading wasn't just for fags. And neither was writing. People wrote books and movies. Movies with stories, that made you care about whose ass it was and why it was farting. And I believe that time can come again!

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.

  Secretary of State : But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

  Attorney General : So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Yes

  Attorney General : Water. Like out the toilet?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

  Secretary of State : But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

  Attorney General : It's got electrolytes.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

  Secretary of Energy : Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

  Secretary of State : Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : So, uh, what do you do?

  Rita : A little of this, a little of that.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Wow, that's great. You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way, you know, doing a little of this and a little of that.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. I'm good at this.

  Sgt. Keller : Good at what? Sittin' on ass? No one ever comes in here.

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. I'm all set.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : [advising Rita to return from the future to the present]  Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? Tell people to read books. Tell people to stay in school, you know. Tell people to just use their brains or something. You know, I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me. I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know?

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Are we on base?

  Frito : I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Even though these people tried to kill me... you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : [referring to his replacement]  Shouldn't I train this guy?

  Sgt. Keller : I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day.

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? So act smart!

  Frito : Smart like you?

  Frito : [in a whiny voice]  'Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home.'

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : I don't talk like that.

  Frito : [in a whiny voice]  'I don't talk like that.'

  Secret Service Thug : Shit, I thought there was two of you.

  Frito : See?

• President Camacho : Hey, you can't leave. Whatever happened to all that 'lead, follow, or get outta the way' shit, huh?

  Pvt. Joe Bowers : I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I?

• Pvt. Joe Bowers : You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all. So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever. But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. Do you really want to live in a world... where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you?