Comedy Central Presents (TV Series)

Dave Attell (1999)

Dave Attell: Self

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Quotes 

• Dave Attell : You ever black out, or as I call it, "time travel"? You ever do that? Oh yeah, you know it is: You're drinkin', you black out, you wake up, you're in another bar, you're drinkin', you black out, you wake up, you're playin' that knife game with a half Indian somewhere in North Dakota... yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah! You're drinkin', you black out, you wake up, you're in White Castle, workin' there three years, still not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can't, 'cause you're bangin' the slow girl on the Fry-a-lator. They say she's a little dim, but those titties ain't dim!

• Dave Attell : This is New York, this is, like, the house music capital: "You got to WORK it, you got to PUSH it!" I don't gotta do ANYTHING. I don't like being ordered around by my music, all right? Take it down a notch, just a little bit.

• Dave Attell : I feel like a cigarette. You can't smoke anymore, it's sad. Right? I like smoking, 'cause when you smoke, you know what you won't be doing tomorrow, like kayaking and bungee jumping and bike riding and mountain climbing. I had a hat blow off in a strong wind, I was like, "I'll get another one, I ain't movin' for nothing!" Sometimes you need a cigarette, though, right? Like, after sex, you want a cigarette, after you have sex with a beautiful woman, or a confused young man. You need a cigarette. You don't roll off someone and go, "Ooh, that was amazing. Skittles? Would you like a Skittle? How about a Jolly Rancher, baby? You want a Jolly Rancher?"

• Dave Attell : I like a man with one leg. I like that look. You like that look? I like it, the way they come up to ya:

  [hobbles] 

  Dave Attell : They always look like they're gonna tell you something really important, you know what I'm saying?

  [hobbles] 

  Dave Attell : "Very slippery out today." "The elevator's broken." That guy's got information! He's helping everyone! "Thank you, one-legged man, thank you!" "It's all right!" When you got one leg, you got a good story, right? When things are boring, you can always tell that one-legged story. "How'd you lose that leg?" It's always something manly, right? "Land mine, '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too: "Snowblower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, where's the story there? What could the story be? "Well how did it happen?" "Well, I like a lot of taffy..."

• Dave Attell : You're thinking I'm homophobic, I hear it all the time: "Dave, you're probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about bein' gay, so you probably ARE gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, voice in my head...

  [audience laughs] 

  Dave Attell : I do not." "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't LOVE it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, 'cause one time, during a terrible gardening accident... I sat on a cucumber, all right? It happens. Yeah. You never see it on "E.R.", but it's happening! Every eight minutes out there, someone's sitting on a cucumber or papaya, if you live in Hawaii. If that ever happens, you need two things, and two things quick: A pair of ice tongs, and a friend who can keep a secret.

• Dave Attell : I hate when I go over to someone's house and they've got that air freshener smell. Who are ya foolin'? I know you did something smelly, and now you don't want me to smelly it! All right? It's some kind of illegal odor out there, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. It's always some lemon-scented thing, lemons, I'm in the bathroom, lemons. What is there, a lemonade stand in here somewhere? I'd like a glass of lemonade! And it never JUST smells like lemons, it always smells like lemons and ass, you know what I'm saying? Like a lemon-ass. And nothing beats ass! Lemon is trying to catch up, ass is laughing: "Ha ha!"

• Dave Attell : I'm in it for the porno. I like a good porno movie. I'm even watching gay porno now, I'm runnin' out of straight porno. I just pretend it's two straight guys that got there REALLY early.

• Dave Attell : Some people are against porno movies, and I say, "Hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran..." I say, "Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their gosh-darn business."

• Dave Attell : If you ever get caught masturbating, and I hope it doesn't happen to you... all right, now listen up, there are a lot of young people here. Listen up, this could save you a lot of years, all right? I'm tellin' ya. This is what you do, you get caught masturbating, okay, your fantasy world has collapsed on you, all right? Now it's just you and shame, hanging out together once again. This is what you do: First, look surprised. And don't worry, you WILL be surprised. "What's happening? Bad locksmith!" Then say this, okay: "Quick, get some help! My hand and peenie are fightin'! Get some help, a hot towel, and a chicken burrito! This is a battle royale!"

• Dave Attell : Why is the Klan still having meetings? Is there any NEW business with the Ku Klux Klan? "Well, we do hate... we hate everybody, right? Okay. See you next week."

• Dave Attell : [to an audience member who yawned]  What are you yawning at? Were you building a treehouse all day? This is the most exciting thing that's gonna happen to you. So FOCUS!

• Dave Attell : I wonder if I have a small penis, or just gigantic balls?

• Dave Attell : Tonight, when you go home, add a little mystery to your relationship: When your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor, honestly. No really, hear me out. There is NOTHING more mysterious than a dump on the floor. And it always starts a conversation, am I right? "Honey, is that what I think- I think it is! You better hold me, 'cause I'm afraid."

• Dave Attell : People are having sex with animals! And then we wonder why the animals attack us!