Robert Smigel: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Quotes
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [interviewing Heather Locklear about her husband, Richie Sambora, who is in the background] Hey, can I ask you something?
Heather Locklear : What?
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : In the 80s, did Richie feather his pubes?
Richie Sambora : [laughs and runs off]
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [at a Bon Jovi concert being set up and standing in front of large speaker] Hey, uh, what the hell is this?
Roadie #1 : That's a bass amp.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : You mean you're going to *amplify* this crap?
Roadie #2 : [laughs] Sure!
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [interviewing two people in costumes at a Star Wars convention] Who are you?
Woman dressed as Queen Amidala : Queen Amidala.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Oh, ok, Queen Amidala.
[turns to man dressed as Qui-Gon Jinn]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : And, who are you? "King I'm-a-doofus"?
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[Triumph interviews a fan at a Bon Jovi concert]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : How much did you pay to see the show tonight?
Bon Jovi Fan : Forty dollars.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Forty dollars? Wouldn't it have been better to wait until next year, when they're playing at Six Flags?
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[Triumph is at the Bon Jovi concert press junket, which is almost deserted]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : We're here at the press junket where the press gets to ask questions of Bon Jovi. Quite a turnout, as you can see. Everyone is here. People have come from as far as Exit 12.
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [in Star Wars line] Look at this one. You look like like some kind of super nerd. It looks like you were built in a laboratory out of parts from lesser nerds. A bionic nerd, if you will. Jedi Obi Wan Na... Jack Off Right Now.
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [Interviewing Bon Jovi] You're in a vampire movie, yes?
Jon Bon Jovi : Yes.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : That's good. Finally, a roll that requires you to suck!
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : So what's going on here, you've got a future nerd in here?
[gestures to pregnant woman's belly]
Pregnant Star Wars fan : Yes, future nerd, future Jedi.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : When is he due?
Pregnant Star Wars fan : June 27, six weeks.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Wow, that's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia.
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Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [opening to program] Welcome. Congratulations on your purchase of this fine product. Before we proceed with all the fun, I've been asked to read this brief disclaimer:
[holds a paper in front of himself]
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : "The following segments are for entertainment purposes only. No celebrities were literally pooped on during production, with the exception of Pauly Shore. I mean, come on, you can't blame me, the guy's a walking wee-wee pad. In addition, no animals were harmed. Quite the contrary, if you get my drift. They don't call my unit "the pink storm" for nothing. Okay, one animal was harmed: A schnauzer. But she liked it rough. It's a German thing." Okay, sit back and enjoy. And by the way, you may notice that I look a little different on some of the older clips. Well, I'm not going to lie: I've had a little work done. That's right: The same guy that did Melanie Griffith's lips did my nut sack. Enjoy.
