Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004 TV Special)

Jeff Foxworthy: Self

Quotes 

• Larry The Cable Guy : I believe that sometimes you gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the truck payment.

  Jeff Foxworthy : That is brilliant, right there!

• Jeff Foxworthy : I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. But they advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures! It's like, "Try new Flor-A-Flor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flor-A-Flor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction." I'm like, "I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!"

• Larry The Cable Guy : [introducing "I Believe"]  This is a song we writ.

  Bill Engvall : [interrupting]  Woah, woah, woah.

  Jeff Foxworthy , Bill Engvall : "Writ"?

  Larry The Cable Guy : Writ.

  Ron White : I didn't "writ" any of it.

  Larry The Cable Guy : You writ two-thirds of it. Or a quarter of it.

  Bill Engvall : Don't try to do math.

  Jeff Foxworthy : If Larry is going to start doing fractions, you may want to go to the concession stand or the restroom.

  [Bill laughs] 

• Jeff Foxworthy : [to Larry, after Larry picks at his guitar]  How old are you?

  Larry The Cable Guy : Old enough to learn how to play this song.

  Bill Engvall : Wait, when is your birthday?

  Larry The Cable Guy : February 17th.

  Jeff Foxworthy : No, what year is your birthday?

  Larry The Cable Guy : ...Every year.

  Bill Engvall : [to Jeff]  You asked.

• Jeff Foxworthy : You ever seen a car sitting at a red light, and there's like, five guys in it? And all of a sudden all four windows go down and there's four guys hangin' out the car just cussing like crazy? And there's one guy sitting in the middle in the back just laughing. You know why he's laughing, he's cashed in his courtesy sniff! And the only thing that could make him happier was had he been driving and in control of the window lock.

• Jeff Foxworthy : I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea is trying to have it quietly in a public bathroom.

• [about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : Finally I confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in this bathroom?" And my youngest one, who's really funny, says "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!"

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : I said "I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are EXTREMELY poisonous."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : And without missing a beat, she said "They are not, or the dog would be dead!"

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : I hate a smart kid, I swear.

• Jeff Foxworthy : I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little "wave", it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall.

• Jeff Foxworthy : I believe you show me a three year old running around a flea market in his underpants drinking Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle, and I'll show you a future NASCAR fan.

• [to his wife, who watches "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : I said, "this only works one way. Men would not be allowed to dump our girlfriends off for the weekend with five hookers and say 'just slut her up just a little bit.'"

• Jeff Foxworthy : [in disgust, upon opening the bathroom door of their tour bus after Bill has used it]  Oh, good granny!

  [Bill cracks up] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : Good granny! What is wrong with you? You know the rules: stand up in the bathroom, sit down at the truck stop and the hotel. It's not funny.

  Bill Engvall : [through fits of laughter]  Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie.

  [Ron enters and opens the bathroom door] 

  Ron White : Oh, God!

  [Bill cracks up again] 

• Jeff Foxworthy : My wife and I, we love watching, like, Dateline, 20/20, those shows. But you know how every week they will feature a disease. And I swear to you, every week, no matter what the disease is, my wife has it.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : There could be three people on the planet that have this disease, my wife is one of them. She just watches it going "I've got it."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : "I have every one of those symptoms." I'm like "you do not have testicular cancer."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : "You don't even have testiculars."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : But they've made us such a bunch of paranoid nuts, you know? Because when I was growing up, there were two medicines in the world. You had aspirin and Campho-Phenique. That's all there was.

• Larry The Cable Guy : [explaining why he uses the handicapped toilets in public restrooms]  They're always kept clean, so you know it ain't dirty. You got plenty of room to stretch your legs out, and you've got rails for power squeezing.

  Jeff Foxworthy : [aside, to Ron]  He's thought this out!

• Jeff Foxworthy : I believe if you can't say something nice about somebody, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.