The Aristocrats (2005)

Gilbert Gottfried: Self

Quotes 

• Gilbert Gottfried : And then the talent agent says, "That's awful. What do you call the act?" Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! I don't understand why he would say that. It doesn't matter what it's called! Because no one is gonna book this show! Where did these people find employment! How did they develop this act! What made them think this was entertaining! I mean it's surprising they haven't... that they're not all in jail! I mean... and waiting... waiting for the death penalty! You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke! Because you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants!" And saying, "This is totally wrong! Call the cops! Something horrible's happening! This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" But that's a whole other story. But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" because in a joke that's what happens. There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." And I always throw in that. That seems to make the whole joke. "The "Aristocrats."

• Gilbert Gottfried : A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Backtrack a little. Where did the blood come from? You didn't say anything about blood." Well if a guy is fist fucking his daughter, who's young, and her asshole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. He could be a longshoreman. He could have arms like Popeye.

• Gilbert Gottfried : He could have an arm like Popeye