Man of the Year (2006)

Lewis Black: Eddie Langston

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eddie Langston : These people have things to do.

  Tom Dobbs : Like?

  Eddie Langston : Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with. They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on. They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.

  Tom Dobbs : This makes golf look like porn.

• Hemmings : Will you be disappointed to be going back to television after this ride?

  Eddie Langston : Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.

  Hemmings : How so?

  Eddie Langston : TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.

  Hemmings : Why is that so bad?

  Eddie Langston : If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!

• Eddie Langston : [referring to Senator Mills in the debate]  This guy smiles so much, it's starting to upset me.

• Eddie Langston : There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?

• Eddie Langston : He's in the debate?

• Tom Dobbs : You never know with females. I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers to put a small flock of sheep to sleep.

  Eddie Langston : Why?

  Tom Dobbs : Oh, she said it made the sex with me more bearable.

• Eddie Langston : I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information that the other candidates have had sex with farm animals. It goes back to the Johnson thing. President Johnson said he wanted to accuse his opponents of having sex with animals. Okay? His staffer said, "How can you prove that?" He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."

• Moderator : My name is Faith Daniels and I'll be the moderator for tonight's 90-minute debate which is coming...

  Jack Menken : [watching from the wings]  Cute.

  Eddie Langston : Cleavage. Is that legal?

  Jack Menken : Very cute.

• Tom Dobbs : When was the last time *any* human being, *any* American, watched the debate and went: "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"

  Tom Dobbs : "I believe he talked about fiscal policy."

  Eddie Langston : "Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!"

  Tom Dobbs : Yeah, you're right. All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal.

• Eddie Langston : Oh, this is so insane. Insanity! It's sweet insanity!

• Eddie Langston : You sure you don't want one of us to drive? It's eight hours back to Chicago.

  Tom Dobbs : No, I just wanna be alone for eight hours with my Barry White tapes.

• Eddie Langston : If she's not psychotic, she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative. Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.

  Tom Dobbs : What's that?

  Eddie Langston : A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men. I was once a healthy man.

• Tom Dobbs : Saturday Night Live wants you for "Weekend Update". What do you think? ...

  Jack Menken : Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"?

  Tom Dobbs : Yeah.

  Jack Menken : Do it.

  Tom Dobbs : Why?

  Eddie Langston : Because it's a great opportunity. You can talk about how you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was secretly poppin' pills. It isn't like you were in some side street gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatshisname.

  Tom Dobbs : You're so sensitive.