- Dr. Frank Abernathy: Do either of you have kids? Let me enlighten you. If you have a boy you only have to worry about one... weiner. You have a girl, you worry, oh you do, about every weiner in the hot dog cart, okay?
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear, if you gave her the weed, I will neuter you!
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: We have an alien possessed mammoth on the loose and if don't stop it the government is going to kill all of us.
- Simon Abernathy: [laughs hysterically] ... That's cute.
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: We've got an alien-controlled mammoth on the loose here, and if we don't kill it the government is going to blow us all up.
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: Can I be frank with you?
- Agent Powers: You are, Frank.
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: I know!
- Sheriff Morrison: [Shocked as attempt to stop creature fails] Son of a bitch!
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: Dear God!
- Sheriff Morrison: God is for Sunday Frank. Today we pray to Nike. Run!
- Floyd: [after putting severed, frozen, alien possessed, human hand in the microwave oven] The popcorn setting works best!
- Agent Powers: ...
- [your grandfather's]
- Agent Powers: ... frozen, all of his vitals are normal; a kind of suspended animation.
- Jack Abernathy: Well, 'The Empire Strikes Back' was always his favorite movie!
- [referring to Han Solo being frozen in said film]
- Jack Abernathy: .
- Sheriff Morrison: [to the men in black] , And just what is your jurisdiction?
- Agent Whitaker: [while flashing badge] Earth
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: [after missing daughter's b-day] So what do I do?
- Simon Abernathy: Stop being a wienie!
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: Don't say wienie.
- Dr. Frank Abernathy, Agent Powers: [after his father, Simon mumbles something incoherent] 'What?'
- Agent Powers: He said 'Don't trust these government stooges,' in pig latin. Does he suffer from dementia?
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: I wish!
- Simon Abernathy: Don't get her pregnant on the first date son!
- Dr. Frank Abernathy: Ok. See you later, dad.
- Deputy Bud: [examining body in the road] . He looks like he had his insides sucked out his nose or something...
- Deputy Dino: Well the sheriff said we'd see something peculiar out here.
- Deputy Bud: What's that supposed to mean?
- Deputy Dino: Oh, shut up!
- Deputy Bud: [while hunting the giant, killer mammoth in the dark woods] Hey D, ya think there's any spiders out here?
- Deputy Dino: You're afraid of spiders?