Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)
Hospital (1994)
Joanna Lumley: Patsy
Photos
Quotes
-
Patsy : [to Antonia] Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room?
-
Patsy : [Patsy's affair with an MP has become front page news on all of the papers] Oh well, heigh ho, Eddy.
[pours some champagne into a glass]
Patsy : I mean, you know, let them write what they want . . .
[starts to read another feature]
Patsy : Continued on page five. I mean, I shall just rise above it. I shan't let this thing affect me in . . . bastard! No! No! No!
Eddie : Who, who? Where, where? What, quick, what? Show, show, show!
[Patsy hands Eddy the newspaper, Edina reads aloud]
Eddie : Source is . . .
Patsy : No, no, no - further.
Eddie : Pasty is . . . uh?
Patsy : Yes?
Eddie : Aged forty-seven!
Patsy : Aagh! I'll sue!
Saffie : [to Edina] Well, how old is she?
[Edina shrugs.]
Patsy : I'm thirty-nine.
Saffie : And I'm an ovum.
Patsy : [tears up newspaper] Oh . . . it's just not fair.
Gran : [Gran enters reading the newspaper headlines] Another pig-ugly MP making a fool of himself with some scrawny old hooker, I see.
Patsy : Old? Old! Old, old, old!
Gran : Nothing like a good old sex scandal. Bit more exciting than the ones in my day.
Eddie : God, what was it in your day? "Woman Shows Ankle To Chimney-Sweep Shock"?
-
Patsy : Goodbye aging obscurity and 'Hello.' Magazine.
-
[first lines]
Saffie : Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!
Eddie : Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk! You're all tutty, darling! When Patsy comes in, I want you to treat her with a little bit of respect, alright?
Patsy : [entering] Click, click, flash, flash. Click, flash, flash, flash, click, click, click. Flash, flash, flash. Guys, guys, just give me a break, darlings! Just give me a break. I have a life to lead! Click, click. "This way, Patsy!". Fellows, fellows, fellows. Sweetie's darlings, can you just leave me alone? Click, click, click, click. Flash, flash, flash, flash. Click, click, click. Patsy, Patsy!
Eddie : You alright, darling? You're not letting this get to you, are you?
Patsy : No, of course not.
Eddie : A little bit of Bolly?
Patsy : Yes, just a smidge.
[looking at newspapers]
Patsy : Oh, are these todays?
Eddie : Yes, sweetie.
Patsy : Anything in them?
Eddie : Not much, darling, no.
Saffie : [reading from the paper] "M.P. in drug-crazed sex romp with shock with fash-mag slag".
Patsy : Damn!
Eddie : I know. Well, there is that, thank you very much, sweetie. Well, in fact you're front page on most of them, darling. But it has only been a day, you know.
Patsy : I mean, who could still possibly be interested in reading all this?
Saffie : His wife?
Patsy : Listen, Saffy. I am the victim in this case. I mean, he's just using me for publicity. He's just riding on my back to get his pathetic little face in the papers.
Eddie : Exactly, sweetie! Patsy's had the hassle and trauma. She's been forced to leave her flat, darling.
Saffie : Forced? Even the cockroaches left that whole of their own accord.
Eddie : They are trying to make out, darling, that Patsy is some kind of sex-crazed, morally corrupted, drunken, high-classed, prostitute, darling!
Saffie : Pretty accurate, so far!
-
Eddie : [reading newspaper headlines about Patsy] Look at this! "Four Letter Patsy In M.P. Sex Row!".
Patsy : "Orgy Of Alcohol And Sex Near M.P.'s House!".
Eddie : Ridiculous! Those bastard scum filth parasites of the press, darling.
Saffie : Well, make up your mind. One minute they're scum, and the next you're giving them lunch and pouring booze down their throats in the great name of P.R.!
Eddie : Booze? Booze, sweetie? Booze, darling? Is that what they call it down the Uni bar? Booze, sweetie? Is it? Will you be popping in there, darling, after a hard day's lecture for some half a pint of shandy-booze? Some pork scracklings? Oh, God. Where was I?
[picks up another paper]
Eddie : "Illicit Passion For M.P.'s Posh Clothes Mag Gal Pal!". Oh, God. "Shocked Wife Of M.P. Keeps Silent!".
Patsy : Bitch!
Patsy : [picks up another paper] "Queen Furious". That's not you.
-
Patsy : You know, in my day...
Saffie : Your day? Which century was that?
Patsy : In my day, there was a sense of style about the whole thing, you know. Christine Keeler, Mandy Rice-Davies... Gorgeous little women who kept their mouths shut and just looked gorgeous, and gave the whole thing an air of dignity. You know, that's the way I should play it, Eddie. Not like these penny tarts of recent times. Kiss and tell, blurt it all out, for the promise of a quick buck and instant fame. Not me, sweetie. My lips are sealed.
Saffie : You'll do "Hello!" magazine, though?
Patsy : Ooh, yeah!
Eddie : Might as well do it in the comfort of your own home.
-
Antonia : [interviewing Patsy for "Hello!" magazine] And when will the baby be born? Do you hope to have a big family? Of course! How stupid of me. Those questions were transparently for a much younger woman.
[pause]
Antonia : And you're not Annabelle Croft?
Patsy : No, I'm Patsy Stone.
Antonia : Stone?
[thinks about who Patsy is]
Antonia : Oh! Did your life change much after "Basic Instinct"?
-
Eddie : [on the phone] Yes? Bonjour. Oui. Just put me...
[to Saffron]
Eddie : Four bloody languages and they can't specialize in one.
[back to the operator]
Eddie : Just put me through to Zermatt! Zermatt!
Saffie : Who are you calling?
Eddie : My Doctor Philip, darling. He's skiing in Switzerland.
[into the phone]
Eddie : Hello? Hello, Philip? Yes, it's Edina... You know that foot of mine, darling? Yeah, I just bashed it on the door-frame. It's very painful. Huh? Huh?... Oh, God!
[to Saffron]
Eddie : He just hit the grand slalom. I can't hear him from wind noise.
Patsy : Eddie?
Eddie : Oh, Pats, darling, how did it go?
Patsy : [pointing to sticky face lifts on her face] Do these work?
Eddie : For how old, sweetie?
Patsy : Thirty five.
Eddie : You might need a few more for thirty five, I think, darling.
Patsy : How much more?
Saffie : A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head should get that back into shape.
Eddie : [on the phone] Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, oh! Operation? Darling. Hospital, yes. Alright, alright, thank you.
[hangs up]
Eddie : Did you catch that, darling? I've got to go to hospital.
Patsy : Hospital, Eddie? I'll come with you.
Eddie : Alright, I'm going to have to pack and order the ambulance and everything.
Saffie : Why don't you take your car?
Eddie : Because, sweetie, I do not pay huge insurance premiums, so I can just drive myself to hospital, alright? And not stay overnight, okay? Come on, Pats. Which one shall we go to? Cromwell? Heritage?
Patsy : Champneys.
Eddie : They've got a pool, don't they?
-
Antonia : Where am I here?
Patsy : In my gracious drawing room.
Antonia : No, I mean where is this? Shepherd's Bush?
Eddie : Holland Park! Holland Park! It's not on the outskirts, either. It's not the edge of Holland Park. This is the rich heartland of Holland Park here. All right, is the photographer here yet?
Antonia : No, we never do photos on the same day. Next week.
Eddie : It's a seventy-foot drawing room with west-facing garden. One point five million.
-
Patsy : Magda!
Magda : Hello, Pats! How are ya? Unlucky business with the M.P. Still the "Hello!" thing should sort that out. I better make this quick I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch to get to by six, and all this with my working champagne lunch with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about here. This month I want articles about how lovely spending money is. Expensive things, the better cosmetics are great. I want money, money, money. Spend, spend, spend. I don't want to see any more photos of gormless skeletons with no brains, no make-up and no bloody tits.
Patsy : Promoting bored teenagers won't sell a Chanel suit.
Magda : Naw, they're too thin!
Patsy : Too young!
Magda : If the models get any younger, Pats, they'll be chucking foetuses down the catwalk!
