- [introduction]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [sitting on a giant scale as two foreign gentlemen in turbans fill the other scale with bags of money to weigh him] Good evening and welcome to "Alfred Hitchcock Presents."
- [gets off the scale and thanks the men who salute him by touching their hands to their foreheads]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Thank you. See you next year.
- [to the audience]
- Alfred Hitchcock: We thought you'd like to see this. So many of you have expressed an interest in knowing how I was paid. Now I can afford to go back to my diet. Tonight's play is about a body. Not mine. However, the title is "John Brown's Body."
- [afterword]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [Hitchcock is still standing at the giant scale] I hope that ending was properly terrifying.
- [opens and looks in one of the bags]
- Alfred Hitchcock: What's this?
- [close-up of Hitchcock's hand taking sawdust from the sack]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Nothing but sawdust. Oh, well, two can play at that game.
- [pats his stomach]
- Alfred Hitchcock: That's all I have here. This concludes our program for tonight. On our next program, we shall both be back. Me and my shadow.
- [points behind him]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Good night.
- [first lines]
- Harold Skinner: In my opinion, John, this is the type of furniture we should be making.
- Vera Brown: He'd be a nervous wreck in no time. Oh, what a horrible thought.
- Harold Skinner: It was only an idea.
- Vera Brown: I think it's a wonderful horrible idea.
- [last lines]
- Vera Brown: I must take him home.
- Psychiatrist: You'd only be taking home his body. His mind is... Well, look for yourself.