- [first lines]
- [Hitchcock is standing by a pool table and wearing an eye-patch]
- Himself - Host: Oh, good evening. You know, uh, this came as somewhat of a surprise to me. I was under the impression that all pool tables were kidney-shaped. I guess that's only true in Hollywood. Our story tonight will be in a somewhat different vein. It is a tale of mystery and intrigue on a transcontinental express. It is called... The title seems to have slipped my mind. It's, um...
- [man enters with a pool cue and taps the end of it, significantly]
- Man with Pool Cue: You've, uh, dropped your cue.
- [hands Hitchcock the cue and walks off. Hitchcock unscrews the end of cue, takes out a piece of paper and reads it]
- Himself - Host: The title of tonight's play is "Safe Conduct."
- [looks off stage in the direction of where the man with pool cue walked off]
- Himself - Host: Thank you very much.
- [last lines]
- Himself - Host: Now, I'm sorry you didn't watch. You'll never believe me. A three-cushion shot. It caromed off the ceiling, floor, and wall and into the side pocket.
- [takes a rubber ball disguised as a cue ball from his pocket and bounces it off the pool table]
- Himself - Host: Next week at this time we shall all return our mummers to offer you their usual 26 minutes of drama. And, of course, I shall be back to lay my customary one-minute egg. Good night.