Alfred Hitchcock Presents (TV Series)

The Young One (1957)

Alfred Hitchcock: Self - Host

Quotes 

• [introduction] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : [Hitchcock is standing at a table which has several 'weapons']  Good evening, and thank you for being so prompt. I detest being kept waiting. I thought you might be interested in this collection of gift selections.

  [waves his hand over the table] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : They range from conventional to rare.

  [picks up a gun] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : Here is the ever popular revolver. It is an excellent means of establishing credit in a strange city. It is equally useful in the removal of unwanted or unsightly persons.

  [puts down gun and picks up a jar] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : Here is a jar of poison mushrooms for those smart alecks who know toadstools when they see them.

  [puts down jar and picks up an axe with both hands] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : Here we have a weapon that is primitive, but effective. It is guaranteed to be 50% painless. You see, it takes two men to operate it, and the one at this end

  [holds haft of axe in one hand] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : doesn't feel a thing.

  [puts down axe and picks up a pitcher of cream with both hands] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : And for the Hausfrau whose aim with the family china is not what it used to be, here is a very handsome item, an exploding cream pitcher.

  [studies pitcher] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : Says on it: "God Bless Our Happy Home."

  [puts down pitcher] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : As for tonight's story, I won't tell you whether or not any of these weapons were used. You'll have to watch and see.

  [cut to close-up of Hitchcock] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : I did think I had an example of a blunt instrument to show you.

  [looks down briefly, then smiles] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : Er, ah yes, what could be more blunt than the following?

  [Commercial] 

• [afterword] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : [Hitchcock is resting his chin on his hand]  Well, she had me fooled. After all, anyone who would bludgeon her elderly aunt can't be all bad. And now, while I'm briefly away, I'd like to show you still another lethal weapon. If used in large quantities, one of these can bore a person to death.

  [commercial break] 

  Alfred Hitchcock : When the dosage is as limited as that, there's no danger. After all, a one-minute commercial never hurt anyone. We have another play prepared to show you next week. I hope you'll join us then. Good night.