- Ditzy Girl: [gesturing to piece of paper] Is this a one or an 'L' ?
- Keith: I'm guessing its an 'L' considering its in the middle of the word 'parallel'.
- [Andy is having woman troubles]
- Andy's Brain: You wouldn't have this problem if you killed yourself after the prom like I told you to.
- Mr. Pickering: Ahh, sleeping with the help, aren't we? As I say, "What the hell, they're bending over anyway".
- Jessica Green: Do not ask her out.
- Andy Richter: Why not?
- Jessica Green: Because you're gonna go out a few times, then you'll break up. She'll feel hurt, you'll feel guilty and I'll feel dirty because no one will be cleaning my apartment.
- Andy Richter: But I'm in love!
- Andy Richter: No you're not.
- Andy Richter: Why do you always disagree with me? If I said I'm not in love would you say 'yes, you are'?
- Jessica Green: I don't know, let's try it.
- Andy Richter: I'm not in love.
- Jessica Green: I know. So leave her alone.
- Andy Richter: I can't believe you fired Irina.
- Jessica Green: She was having sex on my couch!
- Andy Richter: We didn't plan to have sex on your couch, it just happened.
- Byron Togler: Was it a leather couch? Because those things are basically asking for it.
- Mr. Pickering: Good for you, my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, huh?
- [chuckles wickedly]
- Andy Richter: How did you stay out of prison when you were alive?
- Keith Richards: Wendy's upset that I have no insecurities. I'm worried about it. Not a lot, because I'm not insecure. You see what I'm up against?
- Irina: You know, if a blue wale mated with a beaver, their babies would be the largest insects on the Earth.
- Andy Richter: I should've listened to you. What is my problem anyway?
- Jessica Green: You just jump in a little too quickly sometimes.
- Andy Richter: Yeah, why is that? I mean I do everything slowly: learning... working... returning videos...
- [long pause]
- Andy Richter: ... fleshing out analogies.
- Wendy McKay: Come on, Keith. Isn't there anything you're not confident about?
- Keith Richards: My poetry's derivative?
- Wendy McKay: No, it's not. Everyone agrees it's a bold new voice.
- Byron Togler: Your kind has probably just startled them into inactivity. They'll be back. And when it gets out of hand, threaten them with drowning. That's the death they fear the most.