Aqua Teen Hunger Force (TV Series)
Carl (2004)
Dave Willis: Meatwad, Carl Brutananadilewski, Ignignokt, Boxy Brown
Quotes
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[Meatwad has etched a note into the side of Carl's house]
Meatwad : [narrating] Dear Carl: Thank you in advance for feeding my dolls while we out in Panama City, scaring up venture capital money for my stand-up comedy tour "Meatwad Unplugged: No Buns Allowed." And also... we also getting a tan. Now remember, Dewey and Vanessa won't eat anything but chicken chow-mein noodles, and you know Boxy. He'll eat anything as long as it's deep-fried. They need to be walked twice a day, and be sure to pick up their doll droppings, you get a fine from the city. Thanks again. Sorry about the house, big guy. Sincerely, Meatwad.
Carl : Alright... what the f**k does this say?
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Carl : Heh heh heh HEYYYYYYYY! Guess who this is?
Donna Bryson : [drowsily] H... hello?
Carl : Haha, that's what your mom said. BEFORE I SHAVED HER BACK! Hahahhaaaa... yeah... no, actually, I did talk to your mom, and she said to call you.
Donna Bryson : Oh... okay, well... do you know what time it is?
Carl : Yeah, I keep the blinds closed, so it's kinda disorienting. But you know, I don't want the government in my business.
Donna Bryson : It's two in the morning.
Carl : Awww, it's my bedtime! C'mon, what happened to the Donna I remember? The one who KNEW how to party BACK IN '81?...
Donna Bryson : ...oh... yeah... you're... that guy... with...
Carl : [desperately] Oh, come on... it's Carl! Class of '81!
Donna Bryson : Oh... okay...
Carl : Well, I wasn't there for long. That place was a scam! I left it in the dust. But enough about me, Donna... you, uh, still got that cleavage?...
[lovingly strokes her breasts on the yearbook page]
Carl : Heh heh heh heh... still, uh, SMUGGLING, UH, BALLOONS?... WHEREVER YOU GO?... heh heh heh heh... Where are you now?
Carl : [click, dial tone] Hello?...
[long, uncomfortable pause as he glances nervously down at Meatwad's dolls]
Carl : Yeah, well, uh, maybe you shouldn't, uh, BOOTY CALL ME when I've got guests here! Ohhhh, God, she is so horny for me. Alright, that's the last of the W's. There's a "Z" left but, ugh, got that unibrow... eh, screw it, look up Zambrano. Normally I wouldn't do a fat chick from the flag corps, but uh... IT IS A NEW ERA! Heh heh heh heh...
[softly]
Carl : ...of loneliness...
[weakly]
Carl : ...Oh, God.
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[Carl opens his door to accept Chinese takeout, but he throws a bucket of piss out first]
Carl : 'Scuse me.
Delivery Man : It's, uh, $7.92.
Carl : Yeah, here's eight dollars and, uh, keep it.
Delivery Man : All of it? I don't know if the bank will take all of this.
Carl : Hey, man, the night's young! Knock off for a bit. Let's party!
Delivery Man : Oh, no thanks. This is gonna take me all night to count.
[runs back to car]
Carl : Hey, don't be so uptight, man. I got a pool in the back, I got beer on ice and, uh...
[the delivery guy has driven away]
Carl : I'M CALLING YOUR SUPERVISOR ASSHOLE!
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[after Rudy shoots Carl with lasers]
Rudy : HE WAS ROBBING YOU! WAS HE TRYING TO ROB YOU?
Frylock : NO, RUDY! He wasn't trying to rob us.
[Meatwad decides to pull a fast one on Shake; he mimes reaching into his non-existent back pocket]
Meatwad : Where is my wall--
[points to Master Shake]
Meatwad : He took my wallet!
Master Shake : I got the what now?
[Rudy shoots Shake with lasers]
Master Shake : AAAHH!
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[Carl is getting intimate with a couch cushion while on the phone with a sex hotline]
Sex Hotline Voice : Every minute will cost $10 after the first thirty minutes.
Carl : [stops writhing] $10?
[phone beeps]
Carl : No! I will not accept charges. Lemme... take this to the office.
[Carl is now over at the Aqua Teen's house using their phone]
Sex Hotline Voice : Every minute will cost $10 after the first thirty minutes.
[phone beeps]
Carl : Yeah, hell yeah! I'll accept charges.
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[Frylock and Meatwad are leaving Shake in the hotel room to go pick up girls]
Frylock : Lemme just tell you this. If I meet me one... and I get my groove on, you just might be sleeping outside because I'm getting the bed!
[Shakes pushes the bed out the door where it lands on Meatwad who has been dancing outside]
Meatwad : OW!
Master Shake : [proudly] There. Go get the bed.
-
[hears a giggling woman coming from Frylock's room]
Carl : Oh! Who's back here, I pray tell?
-
[after Carl first sees the scribblings etched into his garage, he gets a phone call]
Carl : [angry] What?
Meatwad : Did you find my note?
Carl : [feigning calmness] Oh, was that you, yeah? Thanks for etching it into the side of my house.
Meatwad : Is you mad? You ain't mad, are ya?
Carl : Yeah, while we're talking here, you wanna tell me what it frickin' says?
Meatwad : What what says?
Carl : The note.
Meatwad : What note?
Carl : The one on the side of my house!
Meatwad : Oh, that yeah, well... I don't remember.
Carl : Of course.
Master Shake : Will you hang up the friggin' --
[phone call ends]
Carl : [looks down at Meatwad's dolls] Hey, you guys must be seriously thirsty.
[pours a can of gasoline on them]
Carl : Hey, open up. Drink up there.
[lights match, tosses it on dolls which burst into flames]
Carl : Oh, shoot! Did I do that? Here... lemme put you out.
[unzips fly and urinates on them; laughing maniacally]
Carl : In Your Face!
