The Benny Hill Show (TV Series)

Show 34 (1979)

Benny Hill: Self, Various

Quotes 

• Benny Hill : Now, there was just my daughter and me when the hoodlums come in. They took the jukebox and money out of the till./ And when they went out through the door, my daughter said, "Pa, I hung on to a fifty-dollar bill."/ I asked, "Now, how the heck did you do that?" "Well, I was sitting on it." said my daughter, Nell./ I said, "If only your dear sweet mother had been here, we could have saved the jukebox as well."

• Benny Hill : Now, six Hell's Angels come in here one night and started picking on some little guy./ Now they pulled his hair, and then they pushed him off his chair. And when he left, I thought he was going to cry./ Well, the Hell's Angels said, "He ain't much of a man to let a gang like us do just what it likes."/ I said, "He ain't much of a driver, 'cause he's just backed his truck over six brand new motor bikes!"

• Roman slave : You know, they feeds us pickled pork,/ Tough enough to break your fork./ They serve you up your gravy by the slice./ I tell you, it's either over-cooked or raw./ I think it's their religious law./ It's either a burnt offering or a bloody sacrifice.

• Roman slave : We sleeps eighteen to a cell./ And you oughta cop the smell./ But you know what the one thing is that I think about that gets me through the night:/ My wife's left Bristol... and gone to live in York./ So at least her and the kids'll be all right.

• Roman slave : Once, Cleopatra came past,/Clutching her little asp./ I couldn't help wondering how those red lips of hers tasted./ And Arnold starts to snicker,/ "She's got an hourglass figure."/ Aye, and not a minute of it wasted./ She says, "Slave, you come with me./ I shall want you to see/ That my skin is kept as soft and smooth as silk."/ She puts money in my hand. She says, "Take these 200 cans and get 200 cans of pure goat's milk."/Well, I nearly had a fit./ She had a bath in it!/ And she says, "Clean out the bath like you've been taught."/ Well, I drained it back into the cans, and I sold it around town./ And what's more, I sold two more cans than I had bought!

• Roman slave : Every week, they take some of us out of irons/ And they chucks us to the lions./My mate, Albert, he killed one lion after he provoked it./ He trod out on its tail,/ And this lion lets out a wail,/ And bit off Albert's head. And that's what choked it.

• Roman slave : They told us when we got to Rome/ It'd be like home from home./ The way they treats us Britons is a crime./They done in Charlie Klinger./A chariot wheel went over his finger./ Mind he was scratching his backside at the time.

• Roman slave : Then she grabs hold of my thighs,/ And she looks me in my eyes./She says, "For your wildest desires, I'll gladly cater."/And there's me holding Cleopatra's charms/ In my two trembling arms,/ So I... Oh, blast! Here come those lions. I'll tell you later!

• Roman slave : It's a bit like football in a way,/ 'Cause they play it every Saturday./They throw the lion's virgins without a stitch./ Better off to make them lions roar./ And you know, no matter what the score,/ You never get spectators on the pitch.

• Magnus O'Magnussen : What is celery?

  Fred Needle : High-class wages.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : Anemic rhubarb.

• Magnus O'Magnussen : You have chosen to answer questions on general knowledge. Is that right?

  Fred Needle : Pass.

• Magnus O'Magnussen : Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

  Fred Needle : 'Cause their horns don't work.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : Well done... and you will be.

• Magnus O'Magnussen : What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg raised?

  Fred Needle : Pass.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : Pass what?

  Fred Needle : I don't know the answer.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : The answer is shake hands.

• Magnus O'Magnussen : O'Duffy fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey. None was spilled. Why was that?

  Fred Needle : He kept his mouth shut.

• Angela O'Rippon : The River Niffy, the country's most polluted river, today caught fire. Sadly, there was nothing to put it out with. Local firemen improvised.

• pitchman : Oil, coffee, black currant juice. We washed one in a high-priced detergent, the other in Fair Deal Ben. The result: Not a heap of a difference.

• Angela O'Rippon : Today was he coldest day for this part of the year since records began. In Dublin, the O'Connell flasher was seen describing himself to several ladies.

• Magnus O'Magnussen : What is an asset?

  Fred Needle : A little donkey.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : An ascot?

  Fred Needle : A little donkey's bed.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : A pathologist?

  Fred Needle : A man who can find his way through a wound.

  Magnus O'Magnussen : Unabridged?

  Fred Needle : A river you have to wade across.