- P.C. Carver: [Carver is doing a crossword puzzle] What's a big bird, 5 and 3 ending in T?
- W.P.C. Ackland: Er... tit.
- P.C. Carver: Eh?
- W.P.C. Ackland: Grey tit. Well don't you normally associate that with birds?
- Sgt. Cryer: [At Lord Barstow-Smythe's residence] What took you so long?
- Det. Insp. Galloway: Litten. He's a lousy driver.
- P.C. Edwards: [Litten is typing up a report on Lord Barstow-Smythe's stolen necklace before Edwards enters the room] How's it going with the superstars then?
- P.C. Litten: What do you want?
- P.C. Edwards: There's a rather nice young lady at the front desk. Says she want's to see the man in charge. Now I told her that Clouseau had gone home I did, but his assistant I said, he's something else and your in luck, because he's working late.
- P.C. Litten: [Litten sticks two fingers up at Edwards and Edwards chuckles. Stressed, Litten scrunches up the piece of paper and throws it] Ah, shit!
- P.C. Edwards: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. You'll soon be back on the beat, boy.
- [Edwards picks up the scrunched up piece of paper that Litten threw and puts it in the bin before leaving the room]
- P.C. Litten: How do you spell that then, guv?
- Lord Barstow-Smythe: Spell what?
- P.C. Litten: Objet, whatchamacallit?
- Lord Barstow-Smythe: Objet d'art.
- P.C. Carver: [to Litten, after seeing Galloway] What's up with him?
- P.C. Litten: Indigestion. Always the same after he's had a big meal.
- P.C. Litten: [takes a packet of cigarettes from a cigarette vending machine, and looks at it] Blimey. If my mum sees that, she'll kill me.
- Det. Sgt. Roach: [Standing at the urinal] I wish people wouldn't bung fag-ends in here.
- Sgt. Cryer: I know, it makes 'em so difficult to light.
- Det. Sgt. Roach: Ha bloody ha.
- Det. Insp. Galloway: Now. Listen, smartarse. Believe it or not, I'm here to help you. Now, if you wanna be a comedian, we'll wait till you're doing your bit o' porridge, and we'll all have a laugh. And I'll be the one to laugh the loudest, alright?