Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series)

Inca Mummy Girl (1997)

Nicholas Brendon: Xander Harris

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Quotes 

• Buffy Summers : I better stop him before he gets in trouble.

  Willow Rosenberg : I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here.

  [leaves] 

  Buffy Summers : I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?

  Xander Harris : The important thing is... *you* believe that.

• Willow Rosenberg : On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.

  Xander Harris : For twenty-one hours?

  Willow Rosenberg : It's addictive, you know.

  Rupert Giles : We'll deal with that when we've ruled out evil curses.

  Buffy Summers : One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.

• Willow Rosenberg : His parents say he never came home last night.

  Buffy Summers : Y'know, I don't think I remember seeing Rodney on the bus back from the field trip.

  Willow Rosenberg : I didn't either. I hope he didn't get in trouble at the museum.

  Xander Harris : [chuckles]  Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.

  Willow Rosenberg : [giggles]  Right, and it rose from its tomb.

  Buffy Summers : [smiles]  And attacked him.

  [their smiles fade as they all realize that it may not be so far-fetched] 

• [last lines] 

  Xander Harris : I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world. *Ever*.

  Buffy Summers : Ampata wasn't evil. At least not to begin with. And I-I do think she cared about you.

  Xander Harris : Yeah, but I think that whole "sucking the life out of people" thing would have been a strain on the relationship.

  Buffy Summers : She was gypped. She was just a girl and she had her life taken away from her. I remember how I felt when I heard the Prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.

  Xander Harris : Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.

  Buffy Summers : I had you to bring me back.

• [another student is scraping at a relic in the Cultural Exchange Exhibit museum] 

  Buffy Summers : What's he doing?

  Xander Harris : Uh, that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts.

  Willow Rosenberg : You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.

  Xander Harris : Yeah. I'm irrational that way.

• Xander Harris : [to Buffy]  And where are you from? The country of white trash?

• Buffy Summers : So, can I go?

  Rupert Giles : I think not.

  Buffy Summers : How come?

  Rupert Giles : Because you are the Chosen One.

  Buffy Summers : Mm, just this once, I'd like to be the Overlooked One.

  Rupert Giles : Well, um, I'm afraid that is not an option. You have responsibilities that other girls do not.

  Buffy Summers : Oh! I know this one! "Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah. I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone."

  Rupert Giles : It's as if you know me... Your secret identity is gonna be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you.

  [Xander gets up and separates them] 

  Xander Harris : Not... *with* her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction?

  Buffy Summers : So, I think going to the dance like a normal person would be the best way to keep that secret. Giles, come on. Budge! No one likes a non-budger.

• Xander Harris : Your English is very bueno.

  Ampata : I listen much.

  Xander Harris : Well, that works out well because I talk much.

• [first lines] 

  Buffy Summers : This is *so* unfair.

  Willow Rosenberg : I don't think it's that bad.

  Buffy Summers : It's the Über-suck. Mom could have at least warned me.

  Xander Harris : Well, a lot of parents are doing it this year. It's part of this whole cultural exchange magillah. The exhibit. The dance...

  Willow Rosenberg : I have the best costume for the dance!

  Buffy Summers : A complete stranger in my house for two weeks. I'm gonna be insane! A danger to myself and others within three days, I swear.

  Xander Harris : I think the exchange-student program's cool. I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.

  Buffy Summers : Have you ever done an exchange program?

  Xander Harris : My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

• Museum Guide : Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess.

  Willow Rosenberg : I hope this story ends with, "And she lived happily ever after."

  Xander Harris : [looks into the coffin]  No, I think it ends with, "And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy."

• Xander Harris : Okay. I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you... a lot. And I want you to go with me the dance.

  Ampata : [laughs]  Why was that so scary?

  Xander Harris : Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say yes, or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel.

  Ampata : Hmm. Then you are very courageous.

• [Ampata is dancing silently with Xander when she sees her hand reverting to a mummy, and runs away] 

  Xander Harris : [bewildered]  Okay. At least I can rule out something I said.

• Xander Harris : There you are. Why'd you run away?

  Ampata : Because... I do not deserve you.

  Xander Harris : What... you think that *you* don't deserve *me*?

  [laughs] 

  Xander Harris : Man, I love you!

  [She begins to weep] 

  Xander Harris : Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion?

  Ampata : I am very happy. And very sad.

  Xander Harris : Then talk to me. Let me know what's wrong.

  Ampata : I can't!

  [She hugs him and cries into his shoulder] 

  Xander Harris : Hey, I know why you can't tell me. It's a secret, right? And if you told me, you'd have to kill me.

  [Ampata hugs him again, crying even harder] 

  Xander Harris : Oh! That was a... bad joke. And the delivery was off, too. I'm sorry.

• Xander Harris : Oh yeah. Fall for the old "Let me translate that ancient seal for you" come-on. Do you know how many times I've used that?

• Xander Harris : So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "Chihuahua."

• Xander Harris : Typical museum trick. Promise human sacrifice. Deliver old pots and pans.

• Buffy Summers : His name's Ampata. He'll be at the bus station tomorrow night.

  Xander Harris : Oooh! The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.

• Ampata : You are strange.

  Xander Harris : Girls always tell me that... right before they run away.

• Xander Harris : We're in the Crime Club, which is kind of like the Chess Club, only with crime, and, um... no chess.

• Xander Harris : [to Buffy]  Hold on a sec. So this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man? With man parts? This is a terrible idea.