- Self - Host: Hey, let's put some of America's bad habits under the microsoap... microscope!
- [laughs at himself]
- Self - Host: The microsoap.
- [Appears to talk with someone else]
- Self - Host: Who the comedian who said that they should make bars of soap hollow, so when you finish them there isn't that small piece left. Was that Plato, or...? Carrot Top! Right!
- Self - Host: Vices! Coffee! Coffee seems harmless enough. You start off the day with a cup. Maybe seven. Maybe eight. By lunch you're as jittery as a chihuahua in a paint shaker. I don't know about you, folks, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks IN A STARBUCKS!