Desperate Housewives (TV Series)

Pilot (2004)

Teri Hatcher: Susan Mayer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan Mayer : I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.

  Gabrielle Solis : It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

  Lynette : Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

• Julie Mayer : Mom, why would someone kill themselves?

  Susan Mayer : Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.

  Julie Mayer : But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.

  Susan Mayer : Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.

  Julie Mayer : Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?

  Susan Mayer : I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.

• Susan Mayer : I have a clog.

  Mike Delfino : Excuse me?

  Susan Mayer : And you're a plumber, right?

  Mike Delfino : Yeah.

  Susan Mayer : The clog's in the pipe.

  Mike Delfino : Yeah, that's usually where they are.

• Susan Mayer : I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.

  Mary Alice : Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.

• Susan Mayer : Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

  Mike Delfino : Why?

  Susan Mayer : I made it, trust me.

  [Mike prepares to take a bite] 

  Susan Mayer : Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?

  Mike Delfino : No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.

  [Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling] 

  Mike Delfino : Oh my God.

  [makes a face] 

  Mike Delfino : How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.

  Susan Mayer : Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.

  [Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue] 

• Julie Mayer : Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?

  [Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed] 

  Julie Mayer : Are you mad that I asked you that?

  Susan Mayer : No, I'm just trying to remember.

  [Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing] 

  Susan Mayer : I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.

• Susan Mayer : How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?

  Julie Mayer : Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.

  Susan Mayer : You're right.

  [stalling] 

  Susan Mayer : So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.

  Julie Mayer : Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.

  Susan Mayer : [gapes at Julie]  Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?

  Julie Mayer : You were using me to hurt Dad.

  Susan Mayer : Oh, that's right. Oh, God.

• Susan Mayer : I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!

  Julie Mayer : You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.

  [Susan gives her a look] 

  Julie Mayer : You're right. They're doing it.

• [last lines] 

  Susan Mayer : Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

• Gabrielle Solis : If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.

  Susan Mayer : Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.

• Mike Delfino : I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.

  Susan Mayer : Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

• Susan Mayer : [breaking into Edie's house]  Hello, anybody home? I need to borrow sugar.