- Fran Sinclair: Now I want to make it clear right from the start that I am not advocating that you youngsters engage in the mating dance. Personally I believe the mating dance is most appropriate within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship, preferably marriage. Of course marriage is a few years away for you and right now it's very frustrating, as I'm well aware.
- Film Announcer: The Pangea Department of the Navy presents an instructional film on naval hygiene: "Cankers Aweigh!" or "Down Periscope."
- Captain in Film: Hey sailor! Going ashore?
- Sailor in Film: Oh, you betcha, sir! I'm gonna hit one of the local dance halls. I hear the native girls do the hoochie-coochie something wild!
- Captain in Film: Come about there, swabbie! Don't you know those waltzing Matildas can give you a mating dance related injury?
- Sailor in Film: Nah, that would never happen to me. That would happen to the other guy!
- Captain in Film: That's where you're wrong, sailor. Mating dance related injuries have reached epidemic proportions, and YOU could be next!
- Sailor in Film: This is valuable information. Tell me more!
- Captain in Film: Well we all know that the mating dance is most appropriate within the confines of a loving monogamous relationship, preferably marriage. But if you are going to dance with a stranger, always use protective footwear!
- Sailor in Film: Oh, come on, Captain! I don't have to worry. Nothing's going to happen to me.
- Captain in Film: That's what Ensign Doyle thought. Hey Doyle! C'mere! Show this fellow what a mating dance related injury looks like if left untreated!
- TV Announcer: And now back to "Totally Ineffectual Dad".
- Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad": [kid runs by on fire] Honey, I think something's wrong with Jimmy. He seems to be on fire. Shouldn't we talk to him?
- Totally Ineffectual Dad: I don't know, honey. What if I say the wrong thing?
- Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad": Oh dear. It looks like Jimmy tried to put out the fire himself by jumping in the river.
- Totally Ineffectual Dad: See? It's best we don't interfere in these matters.
- Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad": He doesn't know how to swim! YOU never taught him!
- Totally Ineffectual Dad: Let him learn to swim the way I did... on the street.
- TV Announcer: Tune in next week for the hilarious funeral episode on "Totally Ineffectual Dad!"
- Earl Sinclair: Nobody talk about... you know what.
- Baby Sinclair: What can't we talk about?
- Earl Sinclair: Nobody tell him.
- Baby Sinclair: Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!
- Earl Sinclair: [sighs] Okay... nobody can talk about... spoons.
- Fran Sinclair: A lot of kids are experimenting with the mating dance without realizing it's not just a physical act, there are consequences involved.
- Earl Sinclair: I once saw this film in the navy...
- Robbie Sinclair: Saw it.
- Earl Sinclair: Oh, did it help?
- Robbie Sinclair: No.
- Earl Sinclair: Me either. Boy thinks were better in the old days, by the time your son was old enough to ask difficult questions, you were dead, mercilessly killed by something much bigger than you.
- Robbie Sinclair: What happened to their sons?
- Earl Sinclair: Didn't much matter, they'd be dead soon too.
- Robbie Sinclair: So what am I supposed to do *now*, Dad? I keep wanting to dance and everybody keeps saying not to.
- Earl Sinclair: That's because modern society has decided there's an appropriate time and place to...
- Robbie Sinclair: I know. 'The mating dance is most appropriate within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship, preferably marriage'.
- Earl Sinclair: And sometimes not even then.
- Robbie Sinclair: So what am I supposed to do, Dad?
- Earl Sinclair: In a word... sports.
- Robbie Sinclair: Sports?
- Earl Sinclair: Yeah, get yourself a racket, a ball, some pads, and run around the track until you're so exhausted you can't think of anything. Believe me, it works.