- Fran Sinclair: [to Officer Bettleheim] Maybe if you had experience as a real parent, you'd know how to handle children without pulling a gun.
- Earl Sinclair: Not that I haven't considered that myself.
- Baby Sinclair: [squirming in his high chair] My diaper's itching. I think I'll... take it off.
- Earl Sinclair: [looking up from his parent's manual] Don't you dare!
- Earl Sinclair: Surely we can talk about this. After all, this is kind of a coincidence.
- Officer Bettleheim: A coincidence? How?
- Earl Sinclair: Well, that ticket has my name on it, and I do believe this crisp one dollar bill has your name on it. Wouldn't you call that a coincidence?
- Officer Bettleheim: No, I would call that a cheap attempt at bribery.
- Earl Sinclair: What if it was a five? What? Oh, come on, you're not giving me another ticket.
- Officer Bettleheim: Section 9, Paragraph 4, setting a bad moral example for a child.
- Earl Sinclair: I have three kids, and I love them.
- Robbie Sinclair: Hey, Dad.
- Earl Sinclair: Shut up, I'm talking.
- Fran Sinclair: Earl, do you have to spend every spare second reading that manual? It's just a car.
- Earl Sinclair: Frannie, you are such a female. First of all, it's a brand new car, and as such, it is a reflection of who I am.
- Fran Sinclair: It is a bulky, bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler with no pick-up, no options, and it's completely owned by the bank.
- Earl Sinclair: Love you, too.
- Earl Sinclair: I mean you don't need a license to go fishing or own a gun, but being a parent, for that you need a license.
- Earl Sinclair: I've spent 15 years raising three kids. The only thing I'd use that parenting manual for is to whack their butts.
- Earl Sinclair: [as Baby begins to take off his diaper] I'm warning you! I may not be a licensed parent, but I'm still the adult here. And I'm telling!
- Earl Sinclair: It's quite simple. You have to be selective in order to be effective.
- Fran Sinclair: Oh shut up.
- Fran Sinclair: Maybe I've learned something today. Good parenting does come from here.
- [points to heart]
- Fran Sinclair: But when you need a little help, you can find it here.
- [points to parenting manual]
- Earl Sinclair: So you're saying it's not black or white, it's a little bit of both? Gee, now there's something you don't see on TV.
- [last lines]
- [as the credits roll]
- Narrator: For violating the parent code and displaying severe emotional instability, Officer Bettleheim was suspended from the Parent Patrol. He will be allowed to return to duty when he has thought good and hard about what he has done. For scratching his father's brand new car, Robert Mark Sinclair was grounded for six to ten years. He is currently serving his sentence in his room. And finally, Baby Sinclair was found guilty on 22 counts of assault with a frying pan.
- Baby Sinclair: [angry] I was framed!
- Charlene Sinclair: Oh, Officer Bettleheim?
- Officer Bettleheim: What?
- Charlene Sinclair: Did I mention Robbie scratched the car when he rammed into your motorcycle?
- Robbie Sinclair: *You're dead*!
- Officer Bettleheim: My... my *what*!
- Robbie Sinclair: So, Dad, when do I get to take her for a spin?
- Earl Sinclair: It's a new car, son, it's not mean to be driven.
- Robbie Sinclair: But you just let Mom take it.
- Earl Sinclair: Son, your mother is a capable, responsible...
- [hears engine roar]
- Earl Sinclair: WHAT? WAIT FOR ME!
- Fran Sinclair: [They are driving to the doctor's office] How about a cupcake?
- Baby Sinclair: Ooh, cupcake.
- Earl Sinclair: [driving] You're giving a kid a cupcake in a new car? What are you thinking about?
- Fran Sinclair: Him. He gets a little nervous whenever I take him to the pediatrician so I'm trying to make the whole experience a little more positive. It's called parenting, Earl.
- Earl Sinclair: Oh, please. I've been parenting for 15 years, nobody has to tell me how to be a good dad.
- [to Baby]
- Earl Sinclair: You get one crumb on that seat, and you're crawling home, buster.
- Officer Bettleheim: License please.
- [Earl shows him]
- Officer Bettleheim: Not your driver's license, your parent's license. I'm with the Parent Patrol, and you're in a lot of trouble, Mister.
- Fran Sinclair: Well, Earl, see what happens when you lose your temper?
- Earl Sinclair: Oh please. He's just the Parent Patrol, it's not like he's the real police.
- Officer Bettleheim: Beg your pardon?
- Earl Sinclair: Oh nothing. So what's the problem, Officer, did I stop in a No Diapering zone?
- Officer Bettleheim: Parent Code Section 7, Paragraph 3, a crying child must be handled with sympathy and patience. You were screaming at the boy, Mr. Sinclair. I'm giving you a citation, just like the real police.
- Officer Brazzelton: Hello, I'm Dr. Brazzelton, and I have to give your child a very scary and painful shot.
- Earl Sinclair: [to Baby] There was one little boy who wouldn't let the doctor give him a shot. And you know what happened to him? His toes fell off, his eyes melted, and his head swelled up.
- [Baby faints]
- Earl Sinclair: Okay, Doc, he's out, stick 'im.
- Earl Sinclair: [studying his parent's manual while Baby chants gibberish] Do you mind? I'm trying to study!
- Officer Brazzelton: [to Earl] Mr. Sinclair, what are you doing?
- Earl Sinclair: Well, he told me his imaginary friend was scarring him. So, I took out my imaginary gun and blew off his imaginary head.
- Baby Sinclair: You killed him, you killed Snookey!
- Earl Sinclair: [to Baby] Your daddy fixed it, he's so dead.
- Baby Sinclair: No, No, No, No, No!