- Coach Dorsey: How many fingers?
- Joel Larsen: Three!
- Coach Dorsey: What's your name?
- Joel Larsen: Joel Larsen!
- Coach Dorsey: What year is it?
- Joel Larsen: 2002!
- Coach Dorsey: [pauses] It's 1981, but close.
- Joel Larsen: I don't believe it! It's my house. With shingles, and paints, and windows, and screens...
- Pat Brody: Joel, the tree! It has branches and leaves! I want you normal by tomorrow, alright? Ice your brain!
- Joel Larsen: Oh, my god! You guys are still married!
- Karen Larsen: Yeah, well, it shocks the hell out of me too sometimes.
- Isabelle Meyers: Would you forget about Holly Kent?
- Joel Larsen: Isabelle! You look... totally red.
- Isabelle Meyers: Joel. She's out of your league. I'm telling you this not to be cruel, but because men, of whom you are one of, are inherently stupid. You idealize this girl you don't even know, and in the future, no woman will ever be able to live up to that. You'll end up sad and alone.
- Joel Larsen: That sounds about right.
- Joel Larsen: Why are you doing this?
- Isabelle Meyers: Because I care about you, Joel.
- [hugs him]
- Isabelle Meyers: And using your parents against you felt really right to me!
- Bill Larsen: What's with the hair, Pat?
- Pat Brody: Just a kid trying to find himself, Bill.
- Bill Larsen: Yeah, well, you're gonna find yourself in a gay bar.
- Bill Larsen: Can I have your attention, please? You are now looking at the new vice president of the freshmen class.
- Cheryl Larsen: Dad beat Mr. Rudd? No way!
- Joel Larsen: Rudd had no idea what hit him.
- Joel Larsen: Everybody snap. Come on, snap.
- [everybody snaps]
- Joel Larsen: That's how fast high school's over. The next thing you know, you turn around, and you're thirty-four. You're out of shape, losing your hair, or selling paper... And you wonder what the hell happened. I mean, believe me, you don't wanna look back and think: "I wish I had," or "if only." Don't dwell on the past, don't have regrets. Have fun! Take chances. Live each moment. Okay, carpe diem, people. Where are you, latin club, help me out! It means: "Seize the day!"
- [the audience applauds]
- Joel: [voice over] So what if I'm stealing from "Dead Poets Society". They won't know for another eight years!
- Joel Larsen: Alright, if elected, I will move to abolish memorizing passages from Shakespeare. It is something we'll never use! Well, except maybe in college you're trying to get in the pants of an English lit major. And what is up with dissecting worms? Who here wants to be a worm surgeon? Show of hands? And how dare they apply snow days toward our summer vacation? And cafeteria workers, pizza should not be square and ketchup is not a vegetable! Hey, how about co-ed locker rooms, huh? Remember, live each day. In fact, on behalf of me, Joel Larson, take the rest of the day off!