- Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
- Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?
- Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?
- Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
- Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.
- Peter Griffin: What was the point of all that? Al it does it shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Augh!
- Peter Griffin: While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
- Mort Goldman: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
- Peter Griffin: Kathleen Turner... ehh? Let's see how she looks.
- [glances at the magazine]
- Peter Griffin: Aww, that's a shame.
- Liddane: Hi, gorgeous man!
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
- Liddane: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
- Jeremy: Hey, little man!
- [pats him on the head]
- Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
- Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
- Liddane: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
- [picks him up]
- Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
- [shouts]
- Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
- Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
- [Stewie sits next to a sullen Meg]
- Stewie Griffin: So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou...
- [burps]
- Stewie Griffin: Oops, just burped.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort... do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
- Mort Goldman: Peter, are you EATING those?
- Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt... of course I'm eating them!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.
- Mort Goldman: All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.
- Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...
- Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?
- Mort Goldman: Well, not right away...
- Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...
- [Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
- Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?
- [Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
- Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
- Meg Griffin: I can't believe he's over me.
- Mort Goldman: I can't believe I'm out 34 grand!
- Peter Griffin: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Stick around, more Family Guy coming up.
- Meg Griffin: I can't believe I'm actually jealous.
- Lois Griffin: I can't believe I actually touched him.
- Peter Griffin: I still Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Next week, I run for Mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.