Family Guy (TV Series)

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (2001)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Santa Claus, Johnson, Frosty the Snowman, Hipster Son #1, Bob Hope, Store Manager

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!

• Mall Santa : Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?

  Mall Santa : Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?

  Stewie Griffin : Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

  Mall Santa : OK, wrap it up, kid.

  Stewie Griffin : All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... "nice."

• Peter Griffin : [as a salesman unplugs a display TV, showing Peter's favorite holiday movie]  Hey! I was watching that.

  TV Shop Owner : It'll be on next Christmas.

  Peter Griffin : Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

• Lois Griffin : Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.

  Peter Griffin : All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

• Lois Griffin : Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

  Brian Griffin : Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?

  Lois Griffin : "Don we now our gay apparel."

  Brian Griffin : [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater]  Doesn't get much gayer than this.

• Quagmire : Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.

  Peter Griffin : The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...

  [pauses] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, you guys are ASSES.

• Brian Griffin : You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

  Peter Griffin : Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.

  Brian : Can I buy some pot from you?

• Brian : Sorry Peter, the VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

  [Cut to Peter in the living room with a videotape with the FBI coming in] 

  FBI guy : Do you have the expressed written permission of the NFL and ABC?

  Peter Griffin : [showing a form]  Just ABC.

  [the FBI destroys Peter's VCR] 

• Peter Griffin : Where's my VCR?

  Redneck Kid 1 : Dang it Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box.

  Redneck Kid 2 : It's my sex box, and her name is Sony.

• Brian Griffin : Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

  Peter Griffin : I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.

• Peter Griffin : As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living, so we all sing Christmas carols to lull Him back to sleep.

  Bob : Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!

  Bob's Friend : Bob, there's... nothing you can do.

  Bob : [sighs, defeated]  Well, I... guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

• Lois Griffin : Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, Baby Jesus.

  Stewie Griffin : Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under until the bubbles stopped!

  Lois Griffin : Ooh, somebody's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you.

  Stewie Griffin : What the devil do you mean "watching"?

  Lois Griffin : Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice.

  Meg Griffin : He sees you when you're sleeping.

  Chris Griffin : And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year, but he's magic.

  Stewie Griffin : [jumping out of Lois' arms and pacing around]  Constant surveillance of every child on Earth... impossible! Unless...

  [spotting a Santa-shaped ornament on the tree] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever! Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you?

  [dropping his pants and mooning the ornament] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, check this twice!

• Lois Griffin : I need you to take the presents out of the trunk.

  Brian : [Peter sits down on the couch]  Aren't you gonna do it?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's already done. I dropped 'em all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.

  Brian : All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.

  Peter Griffin : No, the rest were *from* the family. Weren't... weren't they? Aw, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

  Brian : I think they had a meeting about it last night.

  Peter Griffin : Why wasn't I told?

  Brian : They sent you a card, but it said "For Peter" on it, so you must've thought it was "from" you, so you didn't, uh... you know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

• Quagmire : Hey, Peter.

  Cleveland Brown : [wearing a reindeer-antler deerstalker]  Hi, I'm Prancer.

  Lois Griffin : Hey, why don't you take Joe along?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, that'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : What?

  Lois Griffin : Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit. For me? Please?

  Peter Griffin : All right, all right. But you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

• Lois Griffin : [kissing Peter]  That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now, you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

  Peter Griffin : If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I told you I'm on dips o' luscious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?

• Peter Griffin : Hey, somebody give me a beer.

  Quagmire : [tossing a can to him]  Heads up!

  Joe Swanson : [intercepting it]  Uh, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver, and I've already had four eggnogs, so I guess you're it.

  Peter Griffin : [laughing and taking the can]  That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit.

  Joe Swanson : [thrusting his nightstick into Peter's gut and taking the can back]  I'm a cop first and a buddy second, so don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

  [drinking the beer] 

  Joe Swanson : All right! Let's a-wassail!

• Stewie Griffin : [waking from a nightmare about Santa]  Oh, it's just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself!

  [covering his eyes, then peeking] 

  Stewie Griffin : See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me.

  [he starts humming nervously, then pulls up his crib sheets and tears Rupert apart] 

  Stewie Griffin : All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

  Lois Griffin : [from her bedroom]  Stewie, go to sleep.

  Stewie Griffin : This doesn't involve you, Lois!

  Lois Griffin : I don't want to have to come in there.

  Stewie Griffin : I don't want to have to come in *there*!

• Brian : You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

  Peter Griffin : Yep! Now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there's an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.

  Brian : [pause]  Can I buy some pot from you?

• Peter Griffin : Brian, tape this for me.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

  [Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape] 

  FBI Agent : Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?

  Peter Griffin : Just ABC.

  [FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits] 

• Stewie Griffin : [Xmas Photo]  Yes, from now on I shall be... a good boy!

  [Creepy Smile]