Family Guy (TV Series)

Death Has a Shadow (1999)

Lacey Chabert: Meg Griffin, Jan Brady

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...

  [She falls over] 

  Meg Griffin : Mom, are you all right?

  Lois Griffin : My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.

  Stewie Griffin : Damn.

• Meg Griffin : Mom, can I turn the heat up?

  Lois Griffin : Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

  Meg Griffin : Come on. This thing goes up to 90.

  Peter Griffin : Who touched the thermostat?

  Meg Griffin : God, how does he always know?

  Peter Griffin : Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

  Father 1 : Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's all right.

  Father 2 : Hey, is my kid over here?

  Father 1 : Forget it! False alarm!

• Jan Brady : Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

  Mike Brady : Greg were you smoking cigarettes?

  Greg Brady : No dad.

  Mike Brady : Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.

  Jan Brady : That will teach him.

  Mike Brady : And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

  Lois Griffin : Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.

  Peter Griffin : Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.

  Brian Griffin : The Bradys?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.

  Black Woman : [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes]  You folks want some pancakes?

  Peter Griffin : No, thank you.

  [to his family] 

  Peter Griffin : See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

• Judge : Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

  Lois Griffin : Oh no!

  Brian Griffin : Oh no!

  Meg Griffin : Oh no!

  Chris Griffin : Oh no!

  Kool-Aid Guy : Oh Yeah!

• [last lines] 

  Meg Griffin : I sure am gonna miss being rich.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, don't worry. I found another way to make money.

  Brian Griffin : Not another welfare scam.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

  [puts on an afro wig] 

  Peter Griffin : Minority scholarship.

  [laughs, and then winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera as the executive producer credits roll as if the show is over] 

  Lois Griffin : No. No.

  Stewie Griffin : Are you insane?

  Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, uh...

  [puts on a blonde wig and rips open his shirt] 

  Peter Griffin : I mean, "sexual harassment suit"!

  [laughs] 

  Lois Griffin : I don't think so.

  Stewie Griffin : Absolutely outrageous!

  Peter Griffin : Um, uh, uh...

  [takes out a baseball bat] 

  Peter Griffin : Disability claim!

  [he knocks himself out with the bat, and the episode cuts to black] 

• Peter Griffin : Now, look, kids, there's still gonna be food on this table, just not as much, so it won't seem competitive.

  Meg Griffin : Who cares about food? Now, I'll never be able to afford my lip injections!

  [sobs] 

  Brian Griffin : Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?

• Meg Griffin : Oh... My collagen is wearing thin.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Meg, sagging lips are simply nature's way of saying you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.

  Chris Griffin : What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, it means you're becoming a man. But hopefully, not the kind of man who stays out all night and doesn't call. Like your father, who shall remain nameless.