Family Guy (TV Series)

Holy Crap (1999)

Charles Durning: Francis Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Pope : [after meeting Francis]  I've never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.

  Peter Griffin : Well, he's my dad. I just want him to love me.

  Francis Griffin : Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart.

  Peter Griffin : [he gestures for the band to play the sentimental tune]  You do?

  Francis Griffin : Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you.

  Peter Griffin : [the band stops]  No, keep playing, you guys. I think this is as good as it's gonna get.

• Francis Griffin : Take that hat off! You are in God's house, you heathen!

• Francis Griffin : [realizing he's standing in front of the Pope]  Holy Mother...! It's the Holy Father!

• Francis Griffin : [at his retirement party]  At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who have forced a hardworking old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.

  Stewie Griffin : I adore this man!

• Peter Griffin : Hey, that was some speech, dad.

  Lois Griffin : Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it.

  Francis Griffin : Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.

  Mrs. Griffin : [cut to a Vegas casino]  Hit me, you five-card stud.

  [hacking cough] 

  Mrs. Griffin : Cocktail!

  Francis Griffin : [return to the car]  Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.

  Lois Griffin : [uneasy laugh]  Oh, Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.

• Peter Griffin : Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!

  Francis Griffin : Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?

  Peter Griffin : Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?