Family Guy (TV Series)

Holy Crap (1999)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Mrs. Lipstein

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : That was a lovely service, Francis.

  Meg Griffin : Super. And only three more hours 'till school.

  Chris Griffin : I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?

• Meg Griffin : Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by grandpa's ears.

  Chris Griffin : I know. They're like a big, gray enchanted forest.

  Lois Griffin : Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross, and they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, that was some speech, dad.

  Lois Griffin : Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it.

  Francis Griffin : Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.

  Mrs. Griffin : [cut to a Vegas casino]  Hit me, you five-card stud.

  [hacking cough] 

  Mrs. Griffin : Cocktail!

  Francis Griffin : [return to the car]  Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.

  Lois Griffin : [uneasy laugh]  Oh, Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.

• Lois Griffin : He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?

  Peter Griffin : I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.

  Brian Griffin : I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, are you all right? Where's your father?

  Peter Griffin : Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel.

  Lois Griffin : A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?

  Peter Griffin : Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me... me and dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...

  [as he falls asleep, his head falls forward, the fork in his hand sticking into his forehead] 

• Peter Griffin : Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.

  Meg Griffin : Why? We barely know him.

  Chris Griffin : Yeah, how come he never visits us?

  Lois Griffin : Well, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.

  [flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding; a sign on their car reads "Just Married", and taped underneath is another sign reading "To a Protestant whore"]