Family Guy (TV Series)

Holy Crap (1999)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Tom Tucker, Vern, Doctor on TV, Picnic Judge, Gnome #2, Pawtucket Mill CEO, Isaac, Police Officer, Co-Worker #1, Golf Competitor, Jesus Christ, Pope's Assistant #1, Pope Manager, Sheriff

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : My dad's worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!

• Peter Griffin : Dad, my God, are you okay?

  Francis Griffin : [Francis slaps Peter in the face]  Don't be using the Lord's name in vain.

  Peter Griffin : He's okay, thank God.

  [Francis slaps Peter again] 

• Francis Griffin : I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!

  Chris Griffin : God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.

• The Pope : Are you sure this is Boston?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's Boston. See, look, there's Harvard.

  The Pope : That's just a barn.

  Peter Griffin : Ooh, someone went to Yale.

• [Peter is trying to figure out how to earn his father's respect when he sees a news report of the Pope visiting Quahog] 

  Peter Griffin : I just got a crazy idea.

  [putting a waffle iron on the table, he sticks his hand into it and closes the lid] 

  Peter Griffin : AHHHH!

• The Pope : [after meeting Francis]  I've never met such an infuriating man! You must have the patience of a saint.

  Peter Griffin : Well, he's my dad. I just want him to love me.

  Francis Griffin : Peter, how could you say such a thing? I love you with all me heart.

  Peter Griffin : [he gestures for the band to play the sentimental tune]  You do?

  Francis Griffin : Of course. I just don't like you. I don't like anything about you.

  Peter Griffin : [the band stops]  No, keep playing, you guys. I think this is as good as it's gonna get.

• Stewie Griffin : I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

• Francis Griffin : [at his retirement party]  At mass this morning, it occurred to me that I may never see any of your faces again. I just want to say that Jesus loves you. But in my eyes, you're a bunch of sinners and slackers who have forced a hardworking old man to retire. So you can take this shiny watch and shove it.

  Stewie Griffin : I adore this man!

• Peter Griffin : Hey, that was some speech, dad.

  Lois Griffin : Yes, it's a shame grandma wasn't there to hear it.

  Francis Griffin : Bless her heart. She's on another one of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.

  Mrs. Griffin : [cut to a Vegas casino]  Hit me, you five-card stud.

  [hacking cough] 

  Mrs. Griffin : Cocktail!

  Francis Griffin : [return to the car]  Aye, she's a rose. It's a pity you couldn't find yourself a nice Irish Catholic girl, Peter.

  Lois Griffin : [uneasy laugh]  Oh, Francis, this must be embarrassing for you. I'm in the car.

• Peter Griffin : Dad, now that you're retired, you're coming to stay with us. No more excuses. I'm putting my foot down.

  [he steps on the brake pedal; Brian flies forward and hits the dashboard] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Brian, buckle up.

• Lois Griffin : He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?

  Peter Griffin : I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.

  Brian Griffin : I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

• Diane Simmons : Well, Tom, the City of Boston is examining its conscience tonight in preparation for a visit from the Pope.

  Tom Tucker : That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined: this cock.

  [holding up a rooster] 

  Tom Tucker : Yes, the Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free checkups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. Don't know why they went with such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster".

• Stewie Griffin : [reading the Bible]  My, my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to 2x4s. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

  Chris Griffin : [groaning]  Please don't say "poo".

• Lois Griffin : Peter, are you all right? Where's your father?

  Peter Griffin : Still at the factory. He's turning the break room into a chapel.

  Lois Griffin : A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?

  Peter Griffin : Lois, lunch is a sin. Taking a break is a sin. Bestiality is a sin. I'm not sure how that came up exactly, but me... me and dad have never been closer. Having him at the factory is the best...

  [as he falls asleep, his head falls forward, the fork in his hand sticking into his forehead] 

• Peter Griffin : Tomorrow night, they're throwing a big dinner and we're all gonna be there to honor him.

  Meg Griffin : Why? We barely know him.

  Chris Griffin : Yeah, how come he never visits us?

  Lois Griffin : Well, kids, your grandfather has never been comfortable with the fact that I'm not Catholic.

  [flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding; a sign on their car reads "Just Married", and taped underneath is another sign reading "To a Protestant whore"] 

• Peter Griffin : Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!

  Francis Griffin : Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?

  Peter Griffin : Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?

• Stewie Griffin : You know, I rather like this God fellow, very theatrical, you know. A pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that, hmmm?

• Peter Griffin : [in hell]  Oh, Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth ... hey, what are you doing here?

  Superman : I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.