Family Guy (TV Series)

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin' (2000)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Tom Tucker, God, Rufus Griffin, TV Announcer, Greg Gumble, Craig T. Nelson, NBC Assistant, Mr. McCloud, Kidnapper, God's Assistant

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the Griffins are being terrorized by the Biblical Plagues] 

  Brian : Peter, this is the final plague.

  Peter Griffin : Good, 'cause this is really starting to get old.

  Brian : Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son.

  Peter Griffin : Oh no, Stewie!

  Brian : The *first* born son.

  Peter Griffin : Meg!

  Brian : [flatly]  Your wife.

  Peter Griffin : Chris!

• [Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues] 

  Peter Griffin : There has to be some explanation for this.

  Brian Griffin : You want an explanation?

  [slaps Peter] 

  Brian Griffin : GOD

  [slaps Peter] 

  Brian Griffin : IS

  [slaps Peter] 

  Brian Griffin : PISSED.

• Lois Griffin : [seeing Peter's "followers" building a golden statue of him]  Oh, my God!

  Peter Griffin : [slyly]  Yes?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's not funny.

• Peter Griffin : [Peter writing a letter to Fox]  If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.

  [White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."] 

  Peter Griffin : [sometime later; answering the door]  Craig T. Nelson!

  Craig T. Nelson : Are you Peter Griffin?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah.

  Craig T. Nelson : [Hands him a pistol]  Make it quick.

• Peter Griffin : [about the Golden Idol his followers have built of him]  Wow! I look like an Emmy!

  Peter Griffin : [pause]  Hint, hint.

• [Stewie's bath turns to blood] 

  Stewie Griffin : How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.

• Peter Griffin : Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"

  [brief pause] 

  Peter Griffin : You gonna eat that stapler?

  Steven C. Callaghan : Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...

  Peter Griffin : Wanna split it?

• Peter Griffin : Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big phony, like the Moon Landing or Marky Mark's hog at the end of Boogie Nights.

• Chris Griffin : Dad, when you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me? Because if you were, I think you just lied to Mom.

  Peter Griffin : Chris, everything I say is a lie.

  [Catches the problem] 

  Peter Griffin : Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

  [Beat] 

  Peter Griffin : And that.

• NBC Employee : [Pitching a TV show idea]  How about this? A single white girl in the city working at a magazine!

  NBC Assistant : [the executives murmur in agreement]  Do you guys hear yourselves? This is the same old crap over and over again. We need to take a chance. Try something different. Something fresh.

  [the head of the network walks over, picks up a poster for "Just Shoot Me", and proceeds to beat the assistant over the head]