Family Guy (TV Series)
Mind Over Murder (1999)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Announcer, Bicuspid, Boy, Charlie, Elderly Naked Priest, Ernie, Faun, Guy #2, Incisor, Man, Parent #2, Spy
Photos
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer : This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert : [Bert and Ernie are spooning in bed together when the phone rings] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Hangs up, puts on a pair of dirty jeans and takes a swig of liquor]
Bert : Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie : Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert : Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
Ernie : Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
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Boy : Hey, you hit my mom!
Peter Griffin : No, I hit your dad.
Bystander : Whoa, stand back, give her some air.
Peter Griffin : You mean... give him some air.
Woman : Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
Peter Griffin : Y-you mean he's going into labor.
[a baby starts crying offscreen]
Peter Griffin : Whoops.
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Peter Griffin : So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
The Pawtucket Patriot : Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
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Cleveland Brown : Oh, that's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
[Cutaway to the bar]
Peter Griffin : Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Oh, oh, wait a second...
[to his right, there are Jewish people, and to his left, Chinese people]
Peter Griffin : Okay, a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, and there's this naked priest sitting there, and he- ooh, sorry, Father.
Naked Priest : No, I've heard 'em all.
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Man : Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter Griffin : Hey, listen pal!
Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm holding melons.
[She is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
Peter Griffin : Oh.
Man : And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffin : Now hang on a second there!
Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm holding hooters!
[She has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter Griffin : Oh, sorry.
Man : No problem. Your wife's hot!
Peter Griffin : All right that's it!
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Man : [ogling Lois] She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she?
Peter Griffin : Are you a woman?
Man : No.
[Peter punches him]
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Peter Griffin : Boo Lois, yeah beer!
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[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie : No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
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The Pawtucket Patriot : Come Hither and Give Heed.
Peter Griffin : Woah, woah, woah. I don't swing that way pal!
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Lois Griffin : Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter Griffin : Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
Lois Griffin : This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter Griffin : Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[grunts]
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Stewie : [after Peter rubs a finger of whiskey in his mouth] Stop! Good gawd, man! One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed!
