Family Guy (TV Series)

Mind Over Murder (1999)

Wally Wingert: The Pawtucket Patriot, Bert

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together!

  Announcer : This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H.

  Bert : [Bert and Ernie are spooning in bed together when the phone rings]  Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

  [Hangs up, puts on a pair of dirty jeans and takes a swig of liquor] 

  Bert : Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

  Ernie : Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

  Bert : Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

  Ernie : Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

• Peter Griffin : So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?

  The Pawtucket Patriot : Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

• The Pawtucket Patriot : Come Hither and Give Heed.

  Peter Griffin : Woah, woah, woah. I don't swing that way pal!