Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater (1999)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Carter Pewterschmidt, Marguerite's Lawyer, Bartender, Butler #2, Ted Turner, Horse, Stewie's Friend

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Oh come on Lois. It's time to act like the piece of schmidt you are

  Lois Griffin : That's Pewterschmidt

• Peter Griffin : I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket.

  Brian Griffin : Face it, Peter, you have a knack for saying the wrong thing.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, this sucks. Lois' friend Yacht Boy and his lovely wife Caca invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarrass her again. You gotta help me, Brian. Teach me how to be a gentleman.

  Brian Griffin : Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having." Now you try.

  Peter Griffin : It's a pleasure to see you again. After "Hogan's Heroes", Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

  Brian Griffin : Wow, perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try again.

• Brian Griffin : All right Peter, I've hooked you up to a chair where the right TV is tuned to Frasier and the left TV is tuned to Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the left TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.

  Peter Griffin : I'll do it!

  Niles Crane : Frasier,you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit AROUND the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa.

  Peter Griffin : Wow, this really is the smartest show on TV!

  Guy on Ricki Lake : Yo Ricki, she's my girlfriend, she's not supposed to be havin' no penis!

  Peter Griffin : [Brian shocks Peter for looking at left TV]  Aaaaaaaaaaagh!

• Peter Griffin : [to Lois]  Yeah, it just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.

  [Flash to Peter at Christmas in front of a fireplace at Lois' parents. "The First Noel" is playing in the background. Carter throws his pocket watch in front of the fireplace] 

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, would you be a sport and fetch it for me?

  Peter Griffin : Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

  [Carter kicks Peter into the fire. He screams and runs and is on fire] 

  Peter Griffin : AHHHHHHHHHHH!

  Carter Pewterschmidt : Oh dear, we've got to put that out!

  [Carter beats Peter with a log] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow Ow Ow Ow!

• Peter Griffin : [Brian shows him the Star Wars glass]  Hey, hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass?

  Brian Griffin : Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to the Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite, and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace, that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself, you're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.

  Peter Griffin : [tears break out]  That's not true! That's impossible!

  Brian Griffin : Damn it, Peter, snap out of it.

  [glass starts to crack] 

  Peter Griffin : No!

• Lawyer : Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy.

  Peter Griffin : Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get?

  [really fast] 

  Peter Griffin : Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP.

• [Lois' aunt pays a visit] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, it's only for a week.

  Peter Griffin : A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.

  Lois Griffin : PETER.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.

• [during the musical number from when they arrive at the mansion they have inherited] 

  Peter Griffin : [singing]  Used to pass, lots of gas, Lois ran away. Now we've got 30 rooms, hello beans, goodbye spray!

• Stewie Griffin : I say, Mother! This hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself!

• Chris Griffin : If I ever go back to Quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

  Peter Griffin : [enters the room, sporting a fake posh accent]  Mmmm, Bon Jovi, everyone.

• Peter Griffin : Look, this is where the pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.

• Peter Griffin : [flipping through postcard photographs]  Our mansion is historical alright. Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse. See, there's Lincoln, Grant, Robert E. Lee.

  Mr. Brandywine : Those are fake.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, they're real. And, uh, YI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.