Family Guy (TV Series)

The King Is Dead (2000)

Lori Alan: Diane Simmons

Photos 

Quotes 

• Diane Simmons : Our top story tonight, I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I. Tom?

  Tom Tucker : Thanks, Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.

  Diane Simmons : Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.

  Tom Tucker : A bit of breaking news: we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

• Peter Griffin : Okay, let's run this scene again. Now, remember, Diane, you're playing Anna; a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life.

  Diane Simmons : Um, where does it say that?

  Peter Griffin : [pointing to his head]  In my noodle. Okay, places. And action.

  [Diane dances to '80s dance music, a la "Flashdance"] 

  Peter Griffin : Stop. All wrong. All wrong. God, send me dancers.

  Diane Simmons : We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted.

  Peter Griffin : Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready.

  Diane Simmons : Of course we're not. You keep changing everything.

  Peter Griffin : You bet I do. Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her.

  Diane Simmons : I can't work this way. I quit!

  Peter Griffin : Fine.

  Joe Swanson : We can't do "The King and I" without Anna.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, this is a real snafu.

  Peter Griffin : We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of Black oppression.

  Loretta Brown : Oh, thank you, Peter. I'll do it.

  Peter Griffin : Get over yourself. I was talking about me.

• Lois Griffin : Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king.

  Diane Simmons : Oh, are you playing Lady Thiang?

  Loretta Brown : Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna.

  Diane Simmons : Oh. Well, they did an all-you-people version of "Hello, Dolly!" that was very successful.

• Peter Griffin : Oh, wow, Diane Simmons!

  Diane Simmons : You don't look anything like the ad. You'd better be huge.

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin Presents 'The King and I'", a Peter Griffin production. And I'm giving you the exclusive story.

  Diane Simmons : Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you and why should I give a damn?

  Peter Griffin : Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons!

• Lois Griffin : Okay, let's go from the start of scene seven. Action.

  Loretta Brown : "Oh, Missus Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him."

  Diane Simmons : "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him."

  Peter Griffin : Cut! All wrong. No good.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful.

  Loretta Brown : [quietly]  My ass.

  Lois Griffin : Besides, I'm the director.

  Peter Griffin : I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mean... I mean, Anna and Ms. Thing both love the king, right? Well, on Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these two women bitch-slapped each other. Crowd went nuts. Loretta, w-why don't you try slapping Diane?

  Loretta Brown : I think I can do that.

  Lois Griffin : Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV.

  Diane Simmons : I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.

  Lois Griffin : I don't know.

  Peter Griffin : I thought you wanted to do a good show. Well, if you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do "Rent"?

  Lois Griffin : [reluctantly]  I guess we can try the...

  Loretta Brown : [slapping Diane]  Action!

• Lois Griffin : What's going on?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, we're just having a little powwow to discuss my latest changes.

  Lois Griffin : *What* changes?

  Peter Griffin : The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children.

  [spookily] 

  Peter Griffin : They're ALIENS!

  Glenn Quagmire : Ha! Hey, that's great, Peter.

  Joe Swanson : Right on the money.

  Diane Simmons : Isn't he brilliant?

  Lois Griffin : No! He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant, and I want to do the show *they* wrote. We're not making any more changes!

  Meg Griffin : [running in with Chris]  We sold out!

  Chris Griffin : Yeah, the whole town's talking about your show, dad.

  Lois Griffin : [cheers from the others]  *Your* show? Peter, this is *my* show!

  Peter Griffin : What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out and we did.

  Lois Griffin : I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you've completely destroyed that. You wanna be the director? Fine. I quit.

  Peter Griffin : Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except... I'm the king of the worl...

  [falling off the stage] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow!

• Peter Griffin : Stop! All wrong, all wrong! God, send me dancers.

  Diane Simmons : We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!

  Peter Griffin : Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready!

  Diane Simmons : Of course we're not. You keep changing everything!

  Peter Griffin : You bet I do, because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs. And you're not man enough to satisfy her.